Rogue One Reshoots Aim to Make Donnie Yen Extra Blind
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA — Citing the need to be as inoffensive as possible, Disney has ordered costly reshoots for Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. It appears the footage screened for executives, including Bob Iger, Kathleen Kennedy, and J.J. Abrams, lacked the cultural sensitivity that has become a hallmark for new Star Wars films under the Disney umbrella.
One character in particular, Chirrut played by Hong Kong action superstar Donnie Yen, is testing below average during informal screenings among Disney brass. Audiences of 4-5 executives are confused about the white-eyed spiritual warrior’s abilities. At first glance, he appears to be blind given his white eyes, constant squinting and use of a blaster stick to walk and fight. But a source known as “Stormtrooper Curly” has confirmed that director Gareth Edwards intended Chirrut to be a Force sensitive shaman, who doesn’t need a stick to walk because “ain’t it cool.”
According to our source, this opened up a heated internal debate among executives. One faction, headed by Bob Iger, stressed the need to make it “clear as day” that Chirrut is 100% blind, so as to avoid upsetting blind groups around the world. But Iger had to sway a second group, led by J.J. Abrams, that insisted it was more important to accurately portray ocular albinism on film.
“Just because he has white eyes doesn’t mean he has to be blind. We need to be more inclusive and open minded.”
In the end, Kennedy helped both groups see eye to eye, and reach a compromise.
“He won’t be a Jedi. He’ll be legally blind with ocular albinism instead, and serve as an inspiration to Asian men everywhere faced with similar challenges.”
“Stormtrooper Curly” managed to acquire some production art detailing the planned changes to Yen’s scenes. The highly detailed images suggest the actor will be reshooting 20% of his scenes wearing a pair of classic Ray Ban sunglasses — a suggestion made by Iger himself.
“Shorthand for blind… and badass. It’s like what my grandson’s favorite blind wrestler says You Can’t See Me!”
Kennedy and Edwards were successful in talking the Disney chief out of his other suggestion. As it turns out, a CGI service ewok would require more time than the current re-shooting schedule will allow.
For his part, Yen remains unfazed by the additional filming needed to create Edwards’ uncompromising vision for Rogue One. Said the star of several Ip Man films, “I deal with it,” flashing a wry smile, according to “Stormtrooper Curly” who is also a translator.
It remains to be seen whether these changes will have a big impact on the film’s story. But one thing’s guaranteed: the Star Wars universe will be more inclusive and diverse than ever thanks to Rogue One.
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P.S. In case you don’t believe this entirely fake story, here are the top 10 other reasons Rogue One is testing poorly.
