Gareth Edwards’ Rogue One Replacement Replaced By Forest Whitaker Who Vows To Not Be Replaced
BUCKINGHAMSHIRE, ENGLAND — There’s hardly a dull moment at Pinewood Studios when films are in production, but this week has seen a larger-than-life media frenzy swarm down upon the facility. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story is on everyone’s radar – and the blogosphere is doubling and tripling down on rumors started Monday.
First the New York Post reported that director Gareth Edwards would need to reshoot scenes in order to lighten the tone of the film, which was coming in a bit dark for a Star Wars film. This was translated by reputable blogger’s as “yeah, um… 40% of the film must be reshot? Right? What am I saying? Yes, of course – 40%!”
Next we heard Tony Gilroy was recruited to supervise script rewrites. The reshoots were then conflated by yet another Creative Blog Writing Major to comprise nearly “50% of the film!” Pretty confusing, right? That’s why we’ve created the handy FSW INFAUXGRAPHIC you see below.
Now that you’re up to speed on the backstory, we’d like to update you on the latest shenanigans… er… goings-on at Pinewood.
Tony Gilroy is out. His attempts at fixing the error of Edwards’ ways have proven too extreme in the opposite direction. Rather than add “the fun Star Wars magic” to the film, executives feel he’s made something closer to Spaceballs, the classic Mel Brooks Star Wars parody.
Naturally, Kathleen Kennedy scrambled to find someone who could split the difference between Edwards’ somber film and Gilroy’s slapstick one. She was determined to find a helmer capable of delivering an appropriately fun, war-time Star Wars film for the entire family. Lucky for her, the man for the job was literally already on the job — Academy Award-winning actor/writer/producer/director Forest Whitaker.
“He has an eye for this stuff,” according to Kennedy.
Interestingly enough, both Edwards and Gilroy will still be on hand, just in case Whitaker delivers something too close to Waiting to Exhale in tone. So, despite internal struggles and the misinformation from bloggers, Disney is currently satisfied with their third directorial choice in so many days.
Whitaker was heard to say, “I’m irreplaceable. You can quote me.”
Let’s just hope Ghost Dog makes it to Monday.
As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for the latest on this and all other made up stories from a made up galaxy far, far away.
-William “Willybobo” Bobo
