General Madine at Center of Ewok Abuse Scandal
NEW SMYRNA BEACH, FLA — An unsolved mystery more than thirty years in the making is one step closer to being solved, thanks to investigative reporter Chris Hansen. During the days leading up and following the Battle of Endor, several ewoks complained of physical and verbal abuse at the hands of the largely humanoid Rebel Alliance. Despite over a dozen complaints, the alleged “size-ism” was never properly investigated… until now.
Hansen, famous for his How to Catch a Predator segments for Dateline NBC, launched an investigation into the abuse scandal using archival photos, decades-old testimonials, and a pair of ewok headdresses, which would prove to be pivotal. The worst of the allegations involved a raucous victory celebration where “ewok tossing” became the main attraction. Hansen was determined to not only bring the abusers to justice, but to uncover just how high up the ranks the ewok abuse and coverup went.
What he discovered is shocking if true. Using tips provided by The First Order, Hansen ventured to the vast and dangerous Outer Rim of Florida in pursuit of the ringleader and chief “ewok hater.” The investigative team set up a sting operation via local Craig’s List, promising “FUN-SIZED FURRY LOVING” and “ALL-NIGHT YUB NUB IN DA TUB.” As expected, Hansen’s suspected shadow figure could not resist. Within hours, a meet up was arranged at a local Airbnb.
The man who showed up was not wearing a raincoat or sunglasses and a fake mustache. Quite the opposite in fact. The man was in his full New Republic regalia. General Crix Madine in the flesh! The former Empire general who turned good must have turned bad somewhere around the Battle of Endor. What else could explain his abusive treatment of so many ewoks?
Hansen wasted no time in confronting Madine, who was confused and insisted he was only there to exchange Pokemon cards with “Wicket Sexy Bae 16.” Once Hansen began to read lurid email transcripts between the general and the fake ewok persona, Madine pleaded the fifth, claimed it was against intergalactic laws to “catfish” a high-ranking member of the New Republic, and asked to speak to Admiral Ackbar.
As of this writing, Madine remains in a holding cell awaiting a hearing in the Kissimmee County Courthouse. For dozens of shamed ewok families, there may just be a happy ending after all.
Stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for updates on this and all other tall tales from a galaxy far, far away.
-William “Willybobo” Bobo
