Member Berry Shortage Forces Disney to Consider 100% New Star Wars Films
BURBANK, CA – Disney shareholders were informed this morning of a calamitous situation that may have dire consequences for the future of the entertainment behemoth. According to our insider, harsh winters and a decade of overfarming have destroyed the last of Disney’s highly prized member berry supply.
If you recall, the purpleish berry aka Rubus rebootiginu produces halucinogenic effects that cause people to crave anything nostalgic to the point of not even recognizing or caring that a film is an uninspired shot-for-shot remake of a pre-existing one. The exotic berries have helped transform Disney into the biggest entertainment company on the planet. Conservative estimates put their gross profits at over $12 trillion for films and tie-in merchandise infused with member berries.
The company’s use of the coveted berries began in earnest with Tron: Legacy, although that film in particular was powered by a weak strain of member berry. Once Disney scientists perfected the juice extraction process, films infused with their essence lit up the box office and broke several longstanding records. Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story and the live action/CG remakes of The Jungle Book and Beauty and the Beast owe much of their success to the berries.
For over a decade now, Disney’s over-reliance on member berries has become the worst kept secret in Hollywood. The purple “forget-me-nots” have even appeared as a running gag on the last season of South Park. Sadly for Disney, the global member berry shortage is all too real.
“They squeezed my berries dry. Callbacks, reboots, softboots, spiritual sequels — ‘member this ‘member that, the gravy train is over,” said an anonymous member berry farmer under exclusive contract with Disney.
Without its strategic nostalgia weaponry in supply, Disney is investing millions into biological experiments in hopes of creating a new breed of super berry, perhaps even the elusive Total recall cumquat, said to exist somewhere in an underwater volcanic region along the coast of South East Asia. Barring any major scientific breakthrough, however, the member berry shortage will have far-reaching implications for future Disney projects as well as films currently in production.
We’re told Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, the upcoming Lion King remake, and Han Solo: A Star Wars Story are all being extensively rewritten. Rather than re-stage sequences from past films in their respective film series, the filmmakers involved are being forced to create all-new plots and characters.
“I don’t know what they’re going to do. These are guys raised on the old stuff. It’s all they know. Where will they find a new idea that’s proven to work? Hell hath no fury like Bob Iger looking at an original idea with a hundred million dollar pricetag,” said a Disney insider.
Rumor has it the last of the member berry juice will be used to make the climactic sequence of Star Wars: The Last Jedi as memorable as the cliffhanger in The Empire Strikes Back. A fitting end to the member berry saga.
Who knows? Perhaps in the not too distant future, people will be nostalgic for the days when “I ‘member” was commonplace. The irony would be bittersweet, much like member berry juice itself according to those lucky enough to have tasted its purest form. As always, keep it locked to FakingStarWars.net for all the Star Wars news worth faking.
-William “Willybobo” Bobo
