Trump Wants To Buy Ahch-To And Batuu
Greenland may soon be green with envy if President Donald Trump gets his way. After his recent purchase offer was rejected by the island nation, Trump has moved on to “bigger, greener things.” Specifically, the spurned commander-in-chief would now like to buy two of the most strategically important outposts in the galaxy, according to the Wall Street Journal.
The report states that “in meetings, at dinners and in passing conversations in the men’s room, Mr. Trump has asked advisers whether the U.S. can acquire Ahch-To and Batuu. He’s listened with great interest when they discuss each of the location’s abundant resources and intergalactic importance and, according to two of the people, has asked his White House Counsel to look into the idea.”
The Journal also reports that “some of Trump’s Imperial Guard support the concept,” though certain advisors dismiss it as an unrealistic flight of fancy.
While it may sound outlandish, Ahch-To is a remote outpost that could serve as a launching pad for Trump’s Space Force. We’re told Trump also believes a golf resort and casino property could be a very lucrative investment for the future. What’s more, the island has proven to be the ultimate hiding spot for Jedi Master and four-breasted sea cows alike. Secrets tend to remain secrets on Ahch-To, which is something virtually every politician can find incredibly advantageous.
As for Batuu — a more gritty and crime-ridden locale — Trump believes it’s a diamond in the rough that’s simply been mismanaged by Disney. “Let’s make Batuu great and use it to make America even greater,” said the President.
Despite Trump’s interest in two of Star Wars newest, shiniest locations, Greenland has zero regrets on declining Trump’s offer.
“Let me get this straight: the guy who hates fake news wants to buy fake planets. This is amazing. Does he even know that one is a theme park and the other doesn’t exist outside of the movies,” said Greenland’s foreign minister, Ane Lone Bagger.
We reached out to Disney for a statement, but have yet to hear back. An anonymous source, however, claims Trump fell in love with the purchase plan once he realized “Ahch-To” and “Batuu” rhymed when pronounced correctly.
As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for all the finest Star Wars comedy, parody, and satire in the galaxy. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook and subscribe to our Newsletter and Podcasts for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away. Also, consider supporting us on Patreon… for as little as a buck a month, you can help us fake harder, better, faster, stronger.
—William “Willybobo” Bobo
