After the May 4th Vanity Fair Star Wars: The Force Awakens reveals, we’re down to only a handful of new characters to speculate upon. One of the most mysterious remains the “Vicar” played by Max von Sydow. After the jump, we pull back the curtain/sheet on this major player in the sequel trilogy.
VERY REAL WARNING: the following contains spoilers that can potentially ruin the plots of two film franchises.
Aah, our kind of scum. On May 5th, we received a scoop from my paparazzo cousin’s source calling himself “Little Boy Blue.” His inside info began with a whimper — largely parroting what most other Star Wars sites had already reported — Max von Sydow plays a former senior ranking Imperial who’s deserted by the Empire during the Battle of Jakku, 10 years after the events of Return of the Jedi. Fairly ho-hum stuff, but just as we were writing him off as a poor excuse for a faker, “Little Boy Blue” began to expand on the sordid history of Jakku, and how Max von Sydow’s crash landing ushered in a new era for the desert planet.
Apparently, the planet of Jakku is dying. The male population is virtually non-existant. 50 years ago, a mysterious illness began to spread, exclusively targeting men of all ages. Dubbed “Jakkooties” the highly contagious virus was spread via sexual intercourse, specifically sex on the beach. Given the desert nature of the planet, it was near impossible to engage in any other form of intercourse. The men of Jakku were doomed. Thousands died virtually over night. Small contingents of men initially resisted the urge to lay on a bed of sand and fornicate… but over time, they too sought the company of women, and quickly paid for it with their lives.
The women of Jakku were at a loss. They could not understand how or why they were killing their men. Surely there was no poison within their biologically sound Jakkooters, which had operated in the exact same way for hundreds of years. The future looked bleak indeed as year after year passed without a pregnancy…
But the women stood strong. Led by their most decorated and influential figure, former Rebel Alliance leader Mon Mothma, the surviving ladies of Jakku created an emergency council. 30 years prior to the Battle of Jakku, the “Jakkougar Council” held their inaugural session to discuss potential solutions to the planet’s crisis. The group of older women agreed on one thing: they needed a man to pay them a conjugal visit of the greatest magnitude. The survival of Jakku depended on it.
As luck should have it, one fateful day a huge phallic symbol appeared overhead. Emergency sirens began to blare across Jakku, as the huge metallic penis in the sky drew closer. A high-ranking official in the Jakkougar Council remarked, “That’s no peen.”
The object in question was a Super Star Destroyer, which had suffered a catastrophic electronics failure during a battle against Rebel forces. The vessel was powerless, hurling through space and entering Jakku’s atmosphere on a crash course for the barren desert planet.
A deafening boom echoed for miles as the enormous vessel slammed tip-first into Jakku’s surface. Most of the crew on board died instantly.
The Jakkougar Council immediately organized a rescue party and dispatched the women to the crash site. The elders were excited by the possibility of men being aboard the Super Star Destroyer. Sadly, all the rescuers found was corpse after corpse of formerly virile men. But just as they were leaving the scene, a voice called out. Max von Sydow had survived, hidden in a TIE fighter hangar bay.
The women tended to his wounds and treated him with great care. After a week of healing, Max von Sydow was summoned to appear before the Council of Jakku. The elders questioned him for hours, but his story checked out.
Later that evening, Mon Mothma invited Max von Sydow to her private quarters. She explained the dire situation their planet was in because of the Jakkooties disease. Max then shared a secret with Mon Mothma: he was immune to communicable disease thanks to several cybernetic upgrades he’d made to his body over the years.
The pair fell madly in love, and began to repopulate the planet of Jakku. They were named King and Queen of the planet and had an open marriage out of necessity. Max was expected to keep a harem and continue to spread his seed as far and wide as possible. The hope was that his DNA would produce a new generation of Jakku men, one that could withstand the effects of the Jakkooters.
As Max grew ever closer to Mon Mothma, he revealed a bombshell. This wasn’t the first time he was involved with a repopulation effort. Only last time, he had put an end to things by killing Boba Fett, son of Jango Fett, the original source of genetic material for the Intergalactic Banking Clan’s clone army.
Max had taken the infamous bounty hunter’s mantle for himself. He’d been leading a double life for the Empire — officer by day, Boba Fett by night. Max’s former crimes weighed heavily on his conscience. He felt that by helping the Jakkougars he would bring balance to the force… despite being force-insensitive.
Rather than push him away because of this revelation, Mon Mothma loved Max even more for disclosing the secret. Her political mind quickly began strategizing as well.
Let’s backtrack for a second: Jakku still remained largely unexplored. The women had never explored the other half of the desert planet. Once the men began dying off, the Jakkougar Council focused on protecting what little they had rather than launching potentially deadly expeditions. But now that Max von Sydow reigned supreme as King Fett, Mon Mothma had just the tool she needed to conquer the other half of the planet.
One thing to note: our cousin’s source goes on to mention that while most of
Star Wars: The Force Awakens relies on practical effects, Max von Sydow Fett is the exception. Half of his body is CG, specifically his lower extremities. In fact, the only shot in the film that did not require CG was a scene based on production artwork, where Max wears a robe.
Otherwise, as the last man on the planet, the only man immune to Jakkooties, Max von Sydow Fett traveled everywhere completely nude. ILM has done multiple tests to see how best to cover up Max’s manhood… from a digitized blur to Mandalorian board shirts and even a set of spider legs a la Darth Maul in the Clone Wars Animated Series, but in the end, the team settled on a pair of CG Hammer pants in Boba Fett green.
Back to the tale of Max von Sydow Fett: so Mon Mothma asked her husband King to explore the wastelands on the opposite side of the planet. He obliges and suits up as Boba Fett once again.
The irony of what happens next is hard to believe, but “Little Boy Blue” swears on his manhood this is true. Max von Sydow Fett discovers that the other side of the planet is in even worse shape. But get this — there seemingly are no women! Only bands of crazed, sex starved men hunting and killing each other in a quest for oil.
Boba Fett rescues a woman, easily dispatching the marauders that were attacking her. The woman falls in love with him, and they have a secret love affair. (Max von Sydow Fett tells Mon Mothma he hasn’t found anything on his expedition yet, and goes on multiple searches throughout the year, all to see his secret wife.)
Months go by and the first wave of Max von Sydow’s seed is ready to be harvested. 250 healthy babies (including Rey, the protagonist of Star Wars: The Force Awakens as well as many boys) are born on Jakku — even a royal prince birthed by Mon Mothma. Of course, baby 251 was also born around this time, also male, but on the other side of the planet.
SECOND WARNING. STOP READING IF YOU DON’T WANT TO RUIN ANOTHER FILM FRANCHISE.
HERE GOES.
The secret baby is named Max, after his father “Mad Max” von Sydow Fett. This baby grows up to be “Mad Max” Rockatansky. In fact, the entire quadrology of “Mad Max” films have been set on the planet Jakku.
We know what you’re thinking, so let’s address the elephant.
Remember earlier this week, we reported how Disney is reportedly interested in purchasing Warner Bros.? This new rumor lines up perfectly. Disney is intent on creating a multi-franchise crossover. Imagine Disney’s Infinity videogame series, where characters from different universes can co-exist, but all happening in various films. Needless to say, Mouse House suits will be looking very carefully at how
Mad Max: Fury Road performs at the box office this weekend.
“Little Boy Blue” said George Miller is hoping the deal happens. In fact, the director, who is a long-time friend of JJ Abrams, has even included a few
Star Wars easter eggs in
Mad Max: Fury Road. JJ is also said to be considering placing Babe on Jakku or Mumble, the dancing penguin from Happy Feet, somewhere on the snow planet. Hopefully nowhere near Kylo Ren’s secret First Order base, am I right?!
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