George Lucas Arrested for Manspreading on NYC Subway!

June 3, 2015 "Faking" Jacen Solo

Spread the news! Not your legs! It appears Uncle George landed himself in a bit of hot water over the weekend in New York City. After the jump, find out why the subways are probably not going to feature heavily in Lucas’ next film. Welp — there goes our hope for his version of Money Train 2: Electric Choo-choo-galoo.

Director George Lucas gave tourists quite a show Friday afternoon, only this time there were no cameras and certainly no last-minute CG elements to save the day. A second cousin of mine thrice removed and yet still tight with me on Instagram, let me in on the following straight from the NYPD blotter.

A pair of boys in blue engaged the 75-year old Lucas in an impromptu pat down and arrest in front of 5 tourists and a dozen homeless people aboard a No. 7 express train. The kicker? All of the drama stemmed from the manner in which Lucas was seated. Rather than keeping his legs at a regular distance apart from one another, The Bearded One spread his legs to an extreme, taking up two seats instead of one.

Why was Lucas sitting in such a selfish manner? The answer was directly under his pooch in brown paper bags. Lucas had set up his own personal eating/reading/drinking area in a corner seating area designated for two people with prority given to the elderly or handicapped. For the record, George Lucas is bigger than he has ever been, but he is still one able-bodied person. On the flip side, the director can be considered elderly at this point though that would still only give him ONE priority seat in the corner space.

My cousin said Lucas had just finished his usual Midtown Comics run and had the week’s haul in one bag, along with a cuban sandwich in a second bag, and a 40 oz. bottle of Colt 45 to complete his little trilogy of trouble.

When the officers initially approached Lucas, they mistook him for a homeless man likely the result of the plaid shirt, pickles-in-beard look, and assorted bags of crap. It took a while for the director to look up as he was engrossed in an issue of some obscure hentai manga. After the fifth tap of a baton against his Colt 45, Lucas finally realized what was going on.

Oddly enough, the director reached into his bag and quickly autographed an issue of Star Wars: Kanan: The Last Padawan: Attack of the Colons: Volume 1 for the officers.

This bizarre transit standoff was made even stranger when a group of sleeping homeless people from the other side of the train car awakened.

To them, it appeared as though one of their own was being harassed by the NYPD. So the group quickly slid into action, launching an attack on every sense of the human body. One of the homeless gang let loose a high-pitched shriek; another released his bowels into his pajama pants; still a third began to read the officers their own rights.

According to my cousin, the highlight of this epic scene was a middle-aged homeless man whose face was fully painted in chrome (street performer or a very big fan of Mad Max: Fury Road) using a half-eaten shoe as a makeshift camera, threatening the cops with cries of “I gotchoo I got choo for the chootube!!”

The officers reacted reasonably despite being captured on shoe camera. We’ve been told a quick-on-her feet veteran of the force grabbed the remnants of Lucas’ cuban sandwich and tossed it to the other end of the train car. The homeless gang immediately slid back over to retrieve the food. They didn’t see the other officer trailing them with two multi-wired tasers ready to go.

My cousin said it looked like a bunch of zombies being electrocuted like when Sheev hit Luke with “dat Sith lightning doe.”

The officers then began to shake Lucas down with a series of questions. At one point it appears Lucas may have muttered “This is not the beer you’re looking for.” That may have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. The officers immediately placed Lucas on the ground and handcuffed him. The director finally broke his tough guy facade and admitted to “manspreading”, drinking Colt 45, reading indecent Japanese comic books in public, and something even more peculiar: minutes before the police officers boarded the train, Lucas broke into a conductor’s booth and made an announcemet over the PA system in the voice of Jar Jar Binks.

“Step-a inside-o next-a stop is-a the Otoh Gunga. Watch-a da closing doorsa okey dey!”

In the end, Lucas was hit with a series of summonses and had to spend a few hours in a holding cell. No biggie for him, but a huge victory for the NYPD. Lucas has become the highest profile takedown in their fight against the “manspreading” epidemic aboard mass transit.