Introducing Ask Sheev: A Weekly Advice Column by Darth Sidious!
Romance got you down? Dealing with an unruly boss or neighbor? Not sure whether to wear white after Labor Day is acceptable? Have no fear, Ask Sheev is here! Faking Star Wars is proud to bring you a weekly advice column penned by The Galactic Emperor himself, Sheev Palpatine aka Darth Sidious. His Excellency will impart wisdom regarding matters of etiquette, romance, politics, pop culture, and more to help guide your pitiful life into dark side supremacy! Rest assured, your advice has been foreseen by Sheev, as has your clicking through to read his inaugural post. Do it!
Dear A. Groper,
Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen. Oh, I’m afraid the cosplay blockade will be fully inoperable when security arrives. Do it! Pick up your Jedi weapon phone, use it! They are unarmed. Snap a photo and live a life of great significance.
Dear Sheev,
My friends at work keep hacking my Facebook account and posting embarrassing things about me. What can I do about it? I don’t even know how they are figuring out how to get into my account.
Signed,
Fraped in Wichita
Dear Fraped in Wichita,
Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. Your friends, out there in Wichita, are walking into a trap. It was I who allowed them to know your Facebook password. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band of pranksters. I have installed a super laser near your work station. When the weapon is fully operational, we will have our revenge.
Dear Sheev,
I’m suffering from male pattern baldness, and I’m only 14. I had been looking forward to sporting a Padawan braid and potentially going to Jedi Academy in the Fall, but now I can barely stand to step outside. Do you have any advice? – Braidless in Seattle
Dear Braidless in Seattle,
The Jedi are a feeble breed of mindless individuals. You do not need a braid, or hair of any sort to become a master of the force. Have you ever heard the tragedy of Darth Shavus the stylist? He had such skill with one’s hair he could influence the bald areas of ones head into…regrowth. Unfortunately, his apprentice Darth Mitchell cut his throat with a set of clippers in his sleep. But there is another way. You will go to the nearest mall and buy several dark hoodies from Hot Topic. You will then walk among the shadows for the rest of your life. Over time your body hair will also fall out. That’s when you will call me, and we may or may not go out a chaperoned date. Ta-ta.
Dear Sheev,
My wife and I have been having a big argument. She wants to take a beach vacation, but I really want to do something different. We ALWAYS do that! I’d rather go somewhere a little less touristy, and more off the beaten path. She seems really insistent though. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Trapped at the Beach
Dear Trapped at the Beach,
Join me and the dark side of the force. The ability to change a woman’s mind over vacation is a power only one has achieved, but I know if we work together we can discover the secret. Do you like mai-tais?
Dear A. Serkis,
Patience, my friend. In time, your new car will seek *you* out, and when it does, you must bring it before me. Only together can we turn it to the dark side with tinted windows, Imperial spoilers, and Uncle Luke booming throughout the system.
Sincerely, Prune Face
Dear Prune Face,
Rise my friend. You shall be a raisin in the sun once more. But until then, I suggest laying a strong foundation of pancake mix on the epidermis, then etching deep lines into your forehead, so you appropriate the look of a Shar Pei. This should deflect any attacks launched against your crow’s feet, and direct attention to the maze over your brow. Should your Caucasoid continue to harangue you about your physical appearance, take him to the tallest building in your area. Proceed to defenestrate him. Scrunch your face and glare at him as he descends, so the last thing he sees is a pair of crows and a Shar Pei laughing.
Dear Sheev,
I am a chronic masturbator and my pastor has told me I will go blind if I continue at the rate I’m going. Any truth to that? –P. Reubens
Dear P. Reubins,
Dear Chris. P,
There is no prison whose feeble walls could hold the sheer hate that flows within my POWA!
Dear Sheev,
I’m a lifelong Ghostbustersfan but i’m really torn between the two new versions coming out. Which do you think i should watch? P. Feig
People tell me I look like Gary Oldman in Brad Stoker’s Dracula, and it makes me so mad. How do you handle it?
G. Oldman
Dear D. Trump,
Go on Sabado Gigante and Rapist Telenovelas to proclaim YO SOY EL SENADO! and demand Latins vote for you.
My husband has a flatulence problem and nothing and I mean nothing has worked. I’ve tried Febreze and all kinds of air fresheners to no avail. How can I combat his attack on my olfactory in the bedroom?
As I grew in dark side powers over the years, I noticed many a side effect. The worst of which was my personal odor. I straight up reeked. What I have found that helps is to surround yourself with people who smell even worse. That’s why I only allow Grand Moffs to bathe once every other year. It is only by keeping our subordinates in squalor, do we smell like roses by comparsion. Hope that helps.
