“Where dreams come true: New Star Wars film is all in your beautiful perfect imagination”.
In what stands to surely be the most shocking cinematic news of the decade, Bob Iger, CEO of Disney, along with Kathleen Kennedy, producer of the new Star Wars franchise, have released a massive secret regarding the new Star Wars film. After the jump, find out the scoop to end all scoops.
“Disney wants to make sure that history is not repeated. When the prequels came out, many fans were disappointed because the films didn’t stand up to expectations. We aren’t going to make that mistake again. In that regard, these films are being produced only in the viewer’s imagination.”
This means that despite rumors to the contrary, all “production news” has basically been a titillating ruse to capture fans’ imaginations.
“We’ve taken it upon ourselves to simulate the production of a new Star Wars film, without actually making one. Why force people to see it our way, when it will be much more powerful in people’s imaginations?”, said producer Kathleen Kennedy. “I mean, Disney is the place where dreams come true after all”.
Fans should not be dismayed though. Imaginary production will continue on the film until its fictitious release in December.
“You can still buy a ticket, give us money, buy movie toys, give us more money, get your popcorn, dress up like a stormtrooper, and head into that darkened theater when this non-existent film premieres. The only difference will be that you will make the movie in your mind!”, said Iger. “Nobody will be walking out of this pretend movie decrying any racial dialects or stereotypes. Nobody will be upset over the design of certain creatures and villains. Essentially, we’ve created the perfect movie – only the director will have been your beautiful mind’s eye!”.
When asked why the pretend production bothered to release trailers and leak concept art over the last few years, one source close to FSW reported “Well, two years ago this was considered a bold move into the future of filmmaking by the Disney company. We wanted to ease people into the idea of imaginary production before we hit them across the head with it like a ton of bricks.”
Theaters are gearing up for this release with “Imagi-no-vision” technology which will release special pheromones and chemicals into the skin of viewers during the screenings to activate creative centers in the right temporal lobes of Star Wars fans everywhere.
Iger explained, “We’ve been working in our Disney Labs© on the perfect catalytic mixture that will allow viewers to come away from the film experience with a fully enhanced imagination. Just remember when you go watch it, make sure to eat plenty of our patented “Star Wars Popcorn” with special “Imagination flavoring”. Really crunch into it and let the flavors hit as much of the inside of your mouth as possible to ensure proper absorption. Wear short sleeves and really rub your forearms well into the arm rests. Stare into the black screen and let your mind chillax out totally, dude. It’ll mean that imagination trip you’re about to take will truly be out of this galaxy, bro.”
