With Force Friday just days away, major big box retailers have been faced with a security conundrum. The scads of new toys that fanboys have desperately been seeking sit undisturbed in thousands of stock rooms all over the country. Many customers are quite savvy about the ease of infiltrating these high-interest areas. After the jump, we reveal the extreme security measures you can expect on Force Friday.
“Sometimes it’s as simple as asking a staff member where the bathroom is,” said Chief Stores Officer at Target, Tina Tyler. “We aren’t used to having to protect and store such highly sought after merchandise for an extended period of time and that has forced us into some new security protocols.”
FakingStarWars was able to acquire a document outlining “appearance profiling and intervention protocol” for staff at Target and Walmart stores to aid them in their task of securing the toys back in the stock room.
1. Beware of any man between the ages of 25-50 who has a neck beard. This is a classic sign that the customer may try to infiltrate the merchandise.
2. Any customer with jelly donut fingers or pizza face should be observed with extreme prejudice. Star Wars toy anticipation reduces facial nerve sensation and can lead to sloppy personal grooming.
3. Assist any customer who asks to go to the bathroom in the back, but watch customers for tell-tale signs of ulterior motives. For instance, customers who insist on carrying large black totes or other such carrying receptacles to the loo with them.
4. Some may try to utilize girlfriends in their plot to get early access to the toys. Keep an eye out for any woman who seems unusually under-sexed or desperate for meaningful personal relationships as this could be a sign she is trapped in an emotionally bereft relationship with a fanboy.
5. Anyone wearing their hair with a “padawan curl” in the back should under no circumstances be allowed access to the stock room area, no matter how much they wave their hands in front of you or try to use mind-control on you.
6. Many fans have attempted to dress like staff members in any attempt to gain access. To combat this, simply shout out “The first transport is away!”, every time you cross paths with a staff member. If the person immediately raises their hand up in the air in an uproarious cheer, then you know you have a toy-seeker in camouflage on your hands.
7. Do not attempt to wrestle any merchandise out of the hands of a fanboy. The Star Wars figurine death grip has been measured to crack skulls and sever fingers. In the event you catch a fanboy looting the stock red-handed, simply call local security, as they have the proper equipment needed to pry out the merchandise.
8. Some fanboys may try to simply get to the stock by brute force. In the event you are confronted with a raging customer of this type, the best security protocol is to use misdirection. Explain that the super secret toys that no one knows about are out the back room of the store on the truck. Lead customers quickly to the paddywagon cleverly marked “Supreme Leader Snoke Figurine Temporary Storage area” and lock the door when they get in.
9. Under no circumstances should you slyly attempt to ensure customers that “These are aren’t the toys you’re looking for.” The average toy-seeker is in an extremely volatile and manic mental state and can throw them into permanent cognitive disassociation.
10. Cosplay is not consent to grope, ogle or STEAL! Be on the lookout for shoppers dressed as fictional characters, especially those laden with pockets i.e. Jakku pirates, Hammerpants Finn, etc. Female cosplayers may also attempt to distract you with their sexy getups, while stuffing merchandise into their accessory bag.
