Disney Frees Slave Leia From Patriarchy & Plans Even More Changes
In efforts to broaden the appeal of its billion dollar Star Wars property, Disney has prioritized diversity and multiculturalism in the upcoming Sequel Trilogy and its incredibly lucrative merchandise. But they’re not stopping there! Given the heightened sensitivities of vocal fans and millennials within social media, the Mouse House also plans to similarly modernize the previous 6 films in the saga. After the jump, find out what’s changing and why, starting with Leia’s iconic slave outfit.
Remember the Star Wars films you loved growing up – harmless fun, right? Maybe, but that was then and this is now. According to a source hidden deep inside Disney’s marketing department, the mega-corporation plans to alter the 6 existing films and their associated merchandise in an effort to “better reflect modern day progressiveness by eschewing traditional gender roles and harmful stereotypes.” What that means in English: your beloved Star Wars films are actually filled with offensive material that is preventing millions of potential new fans from spending their money on it. Bummer.
Apparently, it sounds worse than it actually is, or so says our source anyway, who claims the Star Wars Story group is using the Star Wars: Special Editions as a textbook example of what NOT to do. But we’ll let you decide on whether these changes make the films better or worse.
Below is a breakdown of what will be changing in the films. Expect to see the modernized versions and their politically corrected merchandise sometime in 2017, likely to coincide with the 40th anniversary of Star Wars.
Global Changes
- C-3PO will no longer be a homophobic caricature of alternative lifestyles. To that end, Anthony Daniels is out, and his lines will be re-recorded by Idris Elba, while his movements are given additional “swagger.” (See Drake’s Hotline Bling music video for reference.)
- All blasters will be set to stun.
- All cantinas will be redubbed coffee houses.
- All downed TIE Fighters and X-Wings and any space vessel, including the exploding Death Stars, will now have clearly visible pilots ejecting and space pods escaping death.
- All amputations and decapitations will be replaced by non-lethal thumps to the body, resulting in screams of pain and anguish, but nothing more. Research shows the scenes as they exist now are insensitive to amputees and the legacies of both the headless horseman and King Henry VIII. Additionally, all blasters will be set to stun.
- Ewoks and wookiees, including Chewbacca, will now wear diapers and Force Fit sports body bras by Spanx to reduce their sexual appeal to “furries.”
Film-Specific Changes
Episode I: The Phantom Menace
- George Lucas’ daughter, Katie, will be removed from the film, as she is too painful a reminder of Lucas’s crimes against humanity.
- Watto can no longer have slaves. He is to be a relative of Shmi Skywalker’s who hires her to manage the family business.
- Anakin will not be seen podracing or piloting a fighter because it sends the wrong message to impressionable kids. Instead, a booster seat will be added in the back of his vessels, and Ric Olie will chauffer him everywhere.
Episode II: Attack of the Clones
(There is no saving this. In fact, keep it politically incorrect so as to prevent people from seeing our weakest link.)
Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
- Anakin will be wearing a Spanx Force Fit body bra when he wakes up from having his nightmares.
- George Lucas’ son, Jett, will be removed from the film to keep The Maker and his folly out of people’s minds.
- Anakin will no longer force choke Padme, instead saying “Please stay out of this” before levitating her out of his way.
Episode IV: A New Hope
- Jawas will be digitally enlarged to regular proportions, as they are insensitive to small people.
- Blue milk will be changed to almond milk as a means to be more inclusive of people who are lactose intolerant.
- “Who shot first?” Not Han… or Greedo, for that matter. Instead of shooting anyone, Han will spill a shot of non-alcoholic alcohol onto Greedo to create a decoy, and when the Rodian calls for a waitress, Solo will hightail it out of there.
Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
- Wampas are offensive to Canadians and Native Americans who honour the Wendigo, so the snow creatures will be colored beige instead of white.
- Han Solo’s line “Well I’ll see you in Hell!” will be replaced with “I don’t suppose we’ll meet again in the afterlife” for obvious reasons.
- Lando Calrissian will have his mustache digitally removed as focus groups and several tweets have declared it “too porny.”
- Lando will no longer fawn over Leia, choosing to kiss the Millennium Falcon instead and invite it to dinner.
- Leia will no longer kiss Luke. That scene will be altered to have her playfully punch him on the shoulder and give him a “You’re so dreamy” look. (no wink)
Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
- Boushh, the bounty hunter Leia disguises herself as, will now be known as “Bess” because “Boushh” was too close to the word “bush.”
- The manboobs on the Rancor Keeper will be tamed via Force Fit Spanx.
- The Rancor is now a droid to avoid charges of fantasy creature cruelty by PETA.
- Salacious Crumb has been said to be too perverted. So the small sidekick will be given a muzzle ala Hannibal Lecter and a pair of slacks.
- Oola will be wearing a pantsuit and do a very business-like prancersize as opposed to her sexual dancing.
- Leia will no longer be in a slave outfit. Instead she will be in a head-to-toe suit of armor and be referred to as Hutt Slayer Leia.
The last thing sent to us this morning was a rumor that Disney will announce the Politically Corrected versions of the Star Wars films at a bra-and-bikini burning ceremony led by Princes Leia herself, actress Carrie Fisher, and Lucasfilm President Kathleen Kennedy. High profile social media “warriors” and feminists are expected to attend the live-streamed event where the original slave Leia outfit will be set aflame. This symbolic measure is sure to send a message to the oppressive patriarchy! Afterwards, Fisher and Kennedy are likely to unveil Hutt Slayer Leia’s new outfit – a full-on suit of armor.
What a time to be alive!
Stay tuned to FakingStarWars for even more made up stories based on news about the greatest made up stories in the galaxy! I’m Willybobo, and this message was approved by me and only me as I do not have friends and family.
P.S. We’ll miss you Slave Leia but at least you’ve influenced your Disney Princess sisters. xoxo
