Ask Sheev: Thanksgiving Edition!
It’s that time of year again. That’s right folks, today is Thanksgiving… you know, the holiday that comes between Halloween and Christmas that most, if not all, retailers forget about. It’s a time of family, giving thanks, eating too much, football, and oh right being less than a month away from the release of The Force Awakens. Well Sheev has received a lot of fan mail asking for his thoughts on certain Thanksgiving related activities. After the jump we will look into his words of advice, and Happy Turkey Day!
Dear Sheev,
It’s Thanksgiving and it looks like we will being staying the weekend at the in-laws. They are Democrats, I’m a Republican, and they will not shut up about how great Hillary Clinton is! What should I do to avoid being thrown out of their house for the 3rd year in a row?
Thanks, Ben C.
Benjamin,
You and I both know how I feel about this particular Sith witch. If they bring her up in conversation, show them your true pow-ah and unleash a barrage of Force lightning upon their unsuspecting faces. This will leave them scarred, looking like Hillary, and you will never have to visit them again. Do it!
Haldo Sheev,
Tomorrow is Black Force Friday and I’m conflicted on which stores to go to in hope of scratching my shopping itch. Any recommendations?
Your friend, G. Giraffe
Dear Geoff,
Fret not as I am an Amazon Prime member and get UNLIMITED free shipping for all of my holiday shopping needs. Although I do not see how this will help you unless you are a member too. No, I am not sharing my log-in info with you.
Dear Sheev,
I really like the savory taste of Betty Crocker’s stuffing, but guests in my family demand we do the real kind and stuff it up the turkey’s butt. I find that rather gross. I want people to be happy, but I think it’s ridiculous to cook two kinds of stuffing for one meal.
Signed, stuffed and bothered
Dear Brother Stuuf,
Young fool. Only now, at the end do you understand. You should have exiled your family years ago, and dedicated yourself to training in the Dark Side of the stuffing. As Lord Bane instructed, Sith are only to prepare Stovetop brand stuffing for the Thanksgiving feast. Throw your Betty White brand out!
Dear Sheev,
What’s the best way to win at a wish-bone pull?
Sincerely yours, wishing on a turkey
Greetings Jiminy Cricket,
Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Back on Naboo, when I was just a wee youngling I would always win the wishbone contests we had with the Shaak. When in doubt, a stiff kick to the crotch will generally immobilize your competitor. Although I recommend immolation as it is much more colorful and exciting.
Hey Sheev,
I’m stuck working at a “big box” retailer on my favorite holiday of the year instead of eating turkey with my family. Do you have any good excuses for getting out of work early so I may enjoy the holiday with them?
Crappy Thanksgiving, a disgruntled Walmart employee.
Dear DWE,
Rise. Leave your minimum wage behind and join me. Only together can we conquer the retail galaxy. You will now be know as, Darth… Mart.
Dearest Sheevis,
What is the correct way to carve a turkey? Would love any insight you can provide. Thanks!
Limp Wristed in Wisconsin
Dear Lumpy the Badger,
Ignite your lightsaber. Plunge it into the beast’s belly and slice vertically from the breast down. Only then will you achieve the perfect cut as I have foreseen.
SOS!!!
Our dinner guests will be here in a few hours and the food is nowhere near complete. I’ve asked my husband for help several times but he refuses to get his tuckus off the couch because of that stupid football game! What should I do?
Eternally in your debt, a desperate housewife.
Wife of the House,
Kill him! Kill him now! He is too useless to be kept alive! Do it!
