Faking Star Wars Central Office Vandalized
For millions of Star Wars fans, today is akin to Life Day, because the latest episode in the Skywalker saga opens tonight. FSW would love to join in the excitement, but events have transpired that have put a damper on things. Last night our offices were vandalized by someone with a vendetta. So it’s a sad day for us. Maybe you can help though. Keep reading to see if you or anyone you know may be able to track down the culprits. For those of you who don’t want to be spoiled on who we think the culprit is please turn back now!
FakingStarWars is a pro-bono news organization. Never have we accepted a meager penny for any of our stories. In fact, we have turned down numerous lucrative “entertainment contracts” in the name of preserving our exemplary journalistic ethics. So you can imagine our surprise then, when we found out there was a hit put on for us. Someone with an axe to grind caused very real damage to our fake offices.
It was a cold and rainy Wednesday in Omaha, Nebraska, where our reporter HQ makes itself home. As Jacen himself was recently on business trying to gain some advertising clients in Rumania, it fell to his cousin to watch over the team. We had just received a massive leak about the sibling relationship between Maz Kanata and Supreme Leader Snoke and were about to go to press. Suddenly, there was a low rumbling from the warehouse floor that we rent from Old Man Sydow, the Swedish immigrant who owns about 40% of Omaha. All of our staff followed standard FSW emergency procedure and reported to their muster stations in the warehouse. A voice boomed “There has been a leak awakening. You will silence it.” A large, Muunian figure then emerged from the floorboards! Through the cloud of dust, our staff was able to snap a few photos of the figure.
He continued, “My First Order will not tolerate your propaganda regarding me, the Supreme Leader. You will purge all information and holocrons regarding the identity of my siblings.”
As soon as the Muun had entered, he was gone in a cloud of force-electricity. Most of our servers were fried, along with our webmaster’s hair. Additionally, we lost our hottest leak to date: a set photograph of Admiral Ackbar and General Leia smooching underneath a D’Qar sunset.
In the ensuing chaos, one of our interns came across a business card in the rubble, presumably dropped accidently by the intruder. It simply read “Plagueis Enterprises Inc. Reincarnation Experts & Memory Foam Sales.”
It seems that the evil Darth Plagueis himself has decided to intervene and put a stop to our investigative reporting! We reckon this is just one more reason to assume that Supreme Leader Snoke is actually Plagueis in the new The Force Awakens film. We have been faithfully reporting this leak ever since we came across it. Clearly this Dark Lord is fed up with us and is ready for battle.
If you or anyone you know could private message a FSW correspondent regarding the whereabouts of one L. SKYWALKER, we would like to enlist his security agency as body guards for all our staff after this deadly attack. We have been unable to contact him, and the word on the street is that he has gone missing.
The damages to our offices are quite extensive, and it may take some time before we are back on our feet. If you’d like to send a donation of food, office equipment, Star Wars toys — especially Star Wars toys — or tickets to view The Force Awakens in IMAX 3D, please email us and we will share our mailing address.
Thank you, and May The Faux Be With You… tonight, and every night, for the rest of your lives.
