Ask Sheev: Holiday 2015 Edition

Merry Christmas from the Faking Star Wars staff! To commemorate the special day, we have a special treat for everyone as you’ve clearly been nice all year! Sheev is back to answer some of the toughest questions surrounding this holiday season and the recent release of The Force Awakens. After the jump see what wisdom Darth Sidious will bestow upon us.

Dear Sheev,

Why does everyone think Snoke is your master if you killed him? You did kill him right? If he is Darth Plagueis, I have a lot of crow to eat and I’m vegan! Please assure me that Plagueis is dead and all those podcasts are wrong!

Thanks, Mat Tid

Matthew,

I can sincerely tell you that I killed my “Mr.-Potatohead-of-a-master” years ago. He is dead as can be; I defeated him in Sith ghost ping pong here in Force Hell on a regular basis. You have no need to fear my little vegan friend.

Hey Sheev,

It’s Christmas Eve and I still haven’t gotten my new girlfriend a gift. I’m conflicted between buying her tickets to see The Force Awakens for the 192nd time or an engagement ring. What should I do?

Your friend, B. Shelton

Shelly,

Did I ever tell you the tragedy of Darth Giftus the wise? He was a Sith Lord so thoughtful and wise the gifts he gave could save people from dying. He was in a committed relationship and instead of buying his boyfriend an engagement ring he bought him tickets to see The Phantom Menace 6 months early. What happened to him, you ask? Well his boyfriend, fed up with his Star Wars obsession, killed Darth Giftus in his sleep. Ironic isn’t it? He was killed because he gave a bad gift. Learn from Giftus’ mistake Shelly.

SHEEV!

WHO ARE REY’S PARENTS?!? I MUST KNOW! I CAN’T WAIT A YEAR AND A HALF TO FIND OUT! PLEASE TELL ME!!

DAISYRIDLEYSBOYFRIENDXOXO!

Mr. Ridleysboyfriend,

Shouting will get you nowhere… as for Rey, her parents are indeed a mystery. A shroud covers this girl’s past, and it’s too thick for me to see through. Alas, I believe her father to be the son of Anakin Skywalker. Just look at her, she looks just like that clone of Natalie Portman… her name escapes me… you know the pirate one in love with Mr. Darcy. I hope this clears things up for you Daisy.

dearest Emperor,

what was it like being the master to Darth Vader? was he as cool of a guy as i have heard? any insight to this will be useful.

thanks, @KyloR3n

Kylo,

While Vader was a great apprentice he eventually gave into the light and threw me down a shaft to my death. Keep your anger boy and serve your master well until it is time to kill him and take an apprentice yourself.

Hi Sheev,

My colleges and competitors have been passing around a rude political cartoon of me and my children. I keep telling them to stop sharing it on social media but it does not end, I’ve seen it have 20 times as a scroll through my timeline just today! What should I do to get them to remove this image?

T. Cruz

Penelope Cruz,

Release your anger! The only way to remove this offensive doodle is to kill the ones sharing it! Kill them now! Do it! Only then will your image and reputation be safe.

Sheev,

How do you stay so positive during the holidays? I absolutely despise this time of year with all the fake happiness when there are terrible things going on in the world. People need to understand that buying their kid new amiibos this Christmas will not help the ones truly in need. What do you recommend I do?

Unhappy in winter

Winter,

I always turn to my favorite literary character at this time of the year, Ebeneezer Scrooge. While Scrooge initially thought as you, being greedy not buying his kids new amiibos or LEGOs he was visited by some Force ghosts who shared what the world would be like without fake cheer and happiness and it was a truly devistating scene, death, chaos, cats stuck in trees, you get the picture. While buying into the hype will not help, slapping on a fake smile will. It could brighten someone’s day who planned on killing themselves. While I am a figure of the dark side, I can admit there is a need for the light to retain the balance of the Force. Embrace it today but return to the dark tomorrow so your training can be completed.

Greetings Sheev,

My kids want to build a snow man but we have gotten no snow this year! What should I do? And no I’m not watching Frozen again for the thousandth time.

Frosty the Snowdad

President Snow,

I know this has been troubling you. Listen to me, don’t continue being a pawn to your pesky children! Ever since I have known you, you have been seeking a snow of great significance, far more than any parent. You let your emotions cloud the matter and you fail to accept that there is no snow in your hemisphere of the planet. This is what you must do; go to your nearest participating retailer and purchase a Sheev on the Shelf. Those brats will forget all about snow when I am constantly peering at them. 

Liked it? Take a second to support Faking Star Wars on Patreon!