Kylo Ren Torches Swedish Christmas Goat
It appears the Grinch has nothing on Kylo Ren as the erratic Dark Sider took his rage out on a gigantic Christmas goat in Sweden over the weekend. Apparently the First Order may have joined Starbucks at the very last minute in declaring War on Christmas. But why Sweden all of places? Keep reading for the unbelievable truth behind Kylo Ren’s hatred for the “Julbocken.”
Since 1966 the people of Gävle in Sweden have erected a gigantic Christmas goat in Slottstorget square. Through the years this iconic symbol of the holiday season has been a target for a wide range of hooligans dressed as angry Santas or bow-and-arrow wielding Gingerbread men. The “Julbocken” as the goat is known in Sweden has even been run over by a tank-like Volvo, but nothing could have prepared it for Kylo Ren and the First Order.
At around 2am on Sunday morning, police received calls about a large bat-like object in the air. They dismissed the first dozen reports as overzealous and/or drunk locals. Would they have acted sooner, perhaps the Christmas goat would be intact today.
Eyewitnesses claim the object in question was Kylo Ren’s personal transport. The upstart Dark Sider landed in the square and ordered a squad of stormtroopers to create a perimeter. The area very quickly fell into control of the First Order. Many tourists thought it was part of a Swedish tradition.
Once the area was clear, Kylo Ren began to search the hindquarters of the goat. He held up a hand up against the structure’s rear end and listened with the Force. Our sources claim he began to scream “Lor San Tekka! Come out and face me, you old goat! You know what I’ve come for!”
After a very awkward silence, Kylo Ren used his lightsaber to cut a doorway in the Julbocken’s tuckus — we can only speculate he assumed the Resistance was using a Trojan goat tactic. Ren wasted no time in pulling the hindquarters apart and entering the goat head first. He did not find Lor San Tekka or any custom BB droid units. Instead he found an unprecedented amount of cow manure. He had been “Trank’d” by the Resistance once again.
Kylo Ren does not take kindly to practical jokes. He lit his saber once more and proceeded to slash willy-nilly at the structure. This only made things worse as more and more manure escaped the Christmas goat until Ren and most of his stormtroopers were covered in the muck.
The masked villain ordered his flametroopers to torch the goat immediately. Once the structure was reduced to ashes, the First Order and their fearless leader left the town of Gävle. The police arrived shortly thereafter as the stench had made its way through much of the area.
According to police reports, Kylo Ren believes Lor San Tekka is still alive. The Dark Sider is searching for Jakku’s religious leader in Sweden because that’s where Max von Sydow was born; Ren doesn’t know von Sydow has lived in France for several years now.
Swedish reporters have told us Kylo Ren believes Tekka is a time traveler who went back to the future to save his older self, and is now traveling together with his younger self. So the First Order’s beef is not with Sweden or Christmas per se but rather with the two Lor San Tekkas: Max von Sydow and his younger self, Ben Mendelsohn from the upcoming Rogue One.
Fortunately this story has a happy ending. After the attack, many Swedes took to Twitter to show their support of the Christmas goat. Just goes to show how the ability to throw temper tantrums and set fires is insignificant next to the power of the Christmas spirit.
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