BREAKING: Trailer for Rogue One Stolen!
This just in! FakingStarWars has just pulled the biggest Star Wars scoop of 2016! Many fans are curious as to why they still haven’t seen any clips or trailers from the film, which is a mere 9 months from release. After the jump, find out why!
In a bit of life imitating art, the film about the stolen Death Star plan has had its own plans stolen. Apparently a secret group of spies funded by a “rebel” organization broke into Disney Studios and snatched the storyboards and trailers for Rogue One. Director Gareth Edwards is shooting on film for this production, and those negatives were also stolen during the brazen burglary. The irony is not lost on Disney, who has declared an all-out war against the “organized trolls” behind the most meta theft since John Malkovich stole every scene from John Malkovich in Inside John Malkovich.
FakingStarWars arranged for a secret meeting with the rebel spy who handled reconnaissance for the caper that has Disney Studios fuming. The spy gave us permission to reprint our interview under one condition: we must refer to her as “The Princess.” Fair enough, Peach.
FakingStarWars: Well, your worshipful-highness-ness-ness, thank you very much for giving us this insider scoop!
Princess: Would you please stop calling me that?
FSW: Sure, Leia.
P: It’s The Princess! Do you realize what would happen to me if the Disney Empire tracked me down?
FSW: Hmmm. It would probably result in one of the greatest films ever to hit the screen I imagine. Anyway, could you tell us about this little theft/caper/espionage?
P: I had nothing to do with it. But if you must know, there’s growing resentment among the Star Wars faithful that the Galactic Disney Empire has been constructing a monstrosity of a spin-off film that will forever destroy any sense of “canon” or “authenticity” to the Star Wars universe. So we took it upon ourselves to train as spies in order to steal all production plans, materials, and of course trailers and clips of the film. The evil Empire must be stopped at all costs.
FSW. Fascinating. So your organization is now custodian of the stolen plans?
P: Yuperino. We destroyed all records in Disney’s empire of data servers, and kept just one copy on a little ZIP drive that we are guarding carefully.
FSW. Wow, a ZIP drive? That seems a bit anachronistic given the level of technological prowess your insurgence displayed in breaking into the richest film studio in the world, don’t you think?
P: Again, I had nothing to do with it. “General Riker” thinks it’s dangerous to store information on modern media that can be disseminated so quickly and effortlessly. He’s a lo-fi kinda guy. That’s why all the girls think he’s a bit of a hunk.
FSW: Wait, so you’re saying this little sting operation was fueled by romantic zeal?
P: There’s not much to tell, except that General Riker and I both really like the name Ben.
FSW: Anyway, so what’s going to happen to the Rogue One footage, now that you guys have all the plans and film stock?
P: We are planning to release it as a music video for Third Eye Blind actually.
FSW: What an idea! We can help you maybe find a director or something!
P: Nope. We have that covered.
So that’s the story folks. All Rogue One footage has been stolen and will later see the light of day as a music video for Third Eye Blind. You can’t make this stuff up… unless you’re us.
-Super Duper, out.
