Lawrence Kasdan: David Koepp #2Old2White for Indiana Jones 5
Late last week it was announced that Steven Spielberg had tapped writer/director David Koepp to pen the script for Indiana Jones 5. While not as disastrous a choice as someone like Lost scribe Damien Lindelof, Spielberg’s decision has raised the blood pressure of legendary Star Wars screenwriter Lawrence “Larry Larr” Kasdan. After the jump we disclose why Kasdan feels Koepp’s the wrong old white guy for the job. “More like Noepp, amirite?!”
BOCA RATON, FLORIDA – There’s been a great disturbance in the Force at The Atrium Senior Assisted Living Community, where writer/director Lawrence “Larry Larr” Kasdan calls home. The 67-year old screenwriter requested a meeting with FakingStarWars to “throw shade” on the announcement that David Koepp would be writing Indiana Jones 5.
“It’s hella wack is what it is. How Spielberg gon’ do me like dat? My writing style has always been on fleek, son. Who done wrote Empire and Raiders? Nawmean. This Koepp cat? Yo, frealz, he couldn’t write himself out a paper bag. Dude’s like 100 years old too. This is more Hollywood whitewashing and reverse ageism. Troof.”
Once Kasdan calmed down, we couldn’t help but point at the white elephant in the room. Namely, that he himself is white and actually much older than 52-year old Koepp.
“Bro, this ain’t about when you was born. It’s about how your words be sounding. I write young. I write from the streets. You watch any movie I wrote, you feel like ‘Yo that’s some School of Hard Knocks s*^t right there. You feel Dat Local Color Doe.”
At this point, we were interrupted as one of Kasdan’s nurses came over to check his pulse and loosen his slightly askew snapback New York Yankees cap. Once his vital numbers checked out, she allowed us to continue but told us to avoid getting him riled up again. This would prove to be impossible despite our best attempts at calming the septuagenarian.
“Koepp’s a basic b*&%h. I guarantee he’s never gotten lit or turnt up in his life. Hell, I make my own meth right here. Flaka too. You have to stay current — that’s what I tell my son all the time. Yo, keep this ish on the DL but sometimes I ghostwrite for Jake and a few other cats like Max Landis and Tyler Perry. It’s because my writing is fresh and universal. On the flip side, Koepp’s characters all feel lilly-white and f&^*ing ancient. Why you think Spielberg got him to write dem Jurassic Parks?! That made sense, but Indy is muh bae, and you can’t do us like that, especially after Koepp rekt Crystal Skully.”
FSW tried to change the subject, but Kasdan wasn’t interested in talking about the underground senior swingers scene or baseball’s spring training. He was laser focused on Koepp, whom he claims is the posterchild for what’s wrong in Hollywood.
“The guy even told us what he was. He created a fu$%ing TV show named Hack! Meanwhile I wrote the mother*&^#ing Bodyguard son. I can update that script in a hot minute, slap Rihanna to star with Liam Neeson… we blow up, go HAM on this bi#@&. I actually coined that phrase on the set on Empire Strikes Back… I told Harry Har [Harrison Ford] he needed to go HAN on this one scene… just tongue her down. And he was like, “What’s go Han?” And I was like, lookee here youngblood, that’s when you go Hard As a N*%$@ know what I’m sayin’ playa?” I had to change it to HAM because of the old white guys who were scurred bruh.”
Our meeting was abruptly cut short as Kasdan – who was tossing an assortment of gang symbols in the air with one hand, while pounding his chest with the other – hit himself too hard and keeled over. We sincerely hope the self-proclaimed “A$AP Larry Larr” gets well soon. Special thanks to Mr. Kasdan and the The Atrium Senior Assisted Living Community for arranging our meeting.
So, what do you think? Is David Koepp the wrong man to write Indiana Jones 5? Is there someone younger and less white (like Larry, acc. to Larry) who would be better for the job? Let us know in the comments section or on our new messageboards!
-William “Willybobo” Bobo
