Salacious B. Crumb Shuts Down Large Hadron Collider, Presumed Dead Again
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Salacious B. Crumb, the infamous Kowakian monkey-lizard of Jabba’s Court, may have once again bitten off more than he could chew. Late last week electrical problems caused the Large Hadron Collider at CERN to go offline. A subsequent investigation has revealed the culprit to have been a small mammal not unlike a monkey-lizard.
The saboteur seems to have been on a “wilding” spree as investigators discovered assorted empty liquor bottles on the ground along with obscene graffiti on most of the 17-mile superconductor’s walls. Amid the trail of filth was a traditional jester hat as well as several Star Wars-themed issues of Mad magazine. Investigators followed these bizarre clues to the charred remains of a furry creature near a gnawed-through power cable.
“We had electrical problems, and we are pretty sure this was caused by a small pervert with a twisted sense of humor,” says Arnaud Marsollier, head of press for CERN, the organization that runs the $7 billion particle collider in Switzerland.
Although a thorough analysis of the remains has yet to be completed, Marsollier says they believe the creature was “a monkey-lizard, probably, but we’re not ruling out man-bear-pig.”
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