Trump Promises Unaltered Original Trilogy if Elected Supreme Chancellor
ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI — In a last ditch effort to drum up support among minorities, Donald J. Trump has unveiled a controversial new Star Wars policy. If the Republican GOP nominee wins the November election against Hillary Clinton, he is promising to force Disney and Fox to finally release the original unaltered Star Wars trilogy exclusively for Americans.
Below is a transcript from his impromptu speech:
“We’ll have Star Wars. The best Star Wars. And we will make America great again. My opponent has had 30 years to make things right, and what has she done? She’s guilty of destroying what we love so much about George Lucas and his vision. Something’s going on, people.
Call Sean Hannity. Call Rick McCallum. They know how the Clintons were behind the worst of the Star Wars films. The worst. I tell you, these people should be behind bars for Attack of the Clones. They even helped their Hollywood friends buy our beloved Star Wars from George Lucas – a good man.
And look what they’ve done with everything he’s worked for. Driven it to the ground. All the CG jobs are gone now. I think she poisoned Johnny Williams if you ask me.
But believe me. Believe me, I’m not just going to bring practical effects back. Anyone can do that. I’m going to bring practical jobs back!
And I’m going to make those rats at Disney and Fox finally release the original three Star Wars films, for all Americans to enjoy. And guess what? I’m going to make Star Trek fans and J.J. Abrams pay for it! Because Star Wars is for everyone – even the gays and African-Americans, and blacks, and Latinos, and Hispanics. Elect me Supreme Chancellor and let’s make Star Wars great again.”
We’re speechless here at FSW. On one hand, Trump is a mad man, but on the other hand the original Star Wars films may be worth a guaranteed World War III under Supreme Chancellor Trump. Decisions, decisions. What are you going to do? Let us know in the comments section.
And be sure to tune in to the third and final Presidential debate tonight to see how Clinton reacts to Trump’s new Star Wars policy. (We hear she’s a “Trekkie”.)
May the Faux Be With You
