Kylo Ren Suffers Depression as Retail Apocalypse Forces Hot Topic Closures
FIRST ORDER HQ — The shutting down of 3,500+ retail stores throughout the United States of Earth has rocked The First Order, because among the closings are hundreds of mall stores owned and operated by Hot Topic, a personal favorite of Kylo Ren.
According to stormtrooper sources, Ren has fallen into a deep depression over the senseless retail tragedy. We’re told his black robes and spectacular hair have lost their luster, and he remains sullen, distraught, and overly emo, refusing to speak to anyone, not even his late grandfather, Darth Vader, beloved Dark Lord of the Sith.
“It’s been eerily quiet around the barracks. No one screaming. No lightsabers ripping up walls. No My Chemical Romance. Nothing,” said an anonymous Commander.
Without Ren keeping troops in line, productivity and morale has taken on the front lines and all the way up to the top most levels of the intergalactic organization.
“It’s weird. I sorta miss the psychopath. I hate him, don’t get me wrong. But now that he’s gone dark — and it’s not just a phase — I don’t have anyone else truly worthy of my hatred,” said General Hux.
Of course, not everyone is as sympathetic regarding Ren’s depression.
“It’s just a rinky-dink chain of stores from a nothing planet millions of lightyears away! For crying out loud, all they sell is licensed crap for high school edgelords. Come to think of it, Kylo should be depressed. Not because they’re closing stores, but because he’s pushing 30 and still shops exclusively at Hot Topic,” said an anonymous security officer.
Ren’s withdrawal from the public eye could not have come at a worse time. The head of the Knights of Ren was just about to complete his training under Supreme Leader Snoke when news of Earth’s retail apocalypse made its way to the Outer Rim. In his infinite wisdom, however, we’re told Snoke has devised a plan to get his student out of his funk.
According to blueprints obtained from our sources, the Supreme Leader has contracted First Order engineers to recreate a Hot Topic store on the grounds of their base. The store appears to be an exact replica, complete with full lines of Dark Street clothing, Panic! at the Disco and Twenty One Pilots gear, assorted skull jewelry, black light posters, dreamcatchers, and an extensive range of licensed merchandise from the WWE and the new Power Rangers film.
Snoke has spared no expense for his star pupil. He’s even outfitted the store with prom gear, since there will also be a nu-disco, alt-rock party to celebrate Ren and his all-new Hot Topic store. Clearly the Supreme Leader is a firm believer in D.A.B.D.A.D. as a method to overcome depression.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Despair. Acceptance. Dance!
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-William “Willybobo” Bobo
