Hayden Christensen’s Celebration Schedule Revealed!
It’s been 15 years but the Star Wars gods have finally answered the prayers of prequel fans everywhere. Hayden Christensen, who played Anakin Skywalker in Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, will be attending Star Wars Celebration! FSW is lucky enough to have a source deep undercover within Christensen’s camp – and she managed to obtain a detailed schedule of Mr. Rachel Bilson’s schedule for the festivities at the Orange County Convention Center in Orlando, Florida.
Thursday April 13
-Arrive via duckboat with wife Rachel and daughter Briar Rose
-Meet up with local 404 contractors
-Dispense boxes of fresh Tim Horton’s to fellow union members
-Begin construction of main stage
-Sign autographs as Sebastian Shaw during breaks
-Clock out at 5 and change into Canadian tuxedo
-Attend meet-and-greet in backlot, past port-o-poddies for Jake Lloyd’s Parking Lot Celebration
-Fake allergic reaction after half-hugging overly aggressive fan-dler
-Retire to motor lodge for family time
-Shower for 3 hours to remove fanboy tears
-Force Rachel to prank call Natalie Portman 10 or 12 times
Friday April 14
-Finish constructing main stage
-QA holographic projector
-Splice frames of Jumper into The Last Jedi sizzle reel
-Attend “Say Hay to Hayden”/Magic The Gathering Tournament on the roof (weather permitting)
-Pose for photographs with fans for $25 each
-Audition for Anakin greeter role at Star Wars Land
-Refuse refunds and claim fan photo prices were in Canadian, so technically $50 more in American dollars
-Beg Rachel to show up at booth in sexy O.C. outfit since it’s the O.C. Convention Center
-Charge fans $750 for a pic with Rachel; claim she’s in Episode IX riding a Magnum ice cream bar
-Sneak out to Lemon Tree for mullet maintenance in prep for big day
-Crash Obi-Wan Kenobi panel and demand someone write Anakin into the spinoff
-Attend lightsaber waggle foam party until 3am
Saturday April 15
-Call in sick to construction job
-Spill the blood of a game cock
-Pray to Lord Lucas to show you the way
-Have lunch with Kathleen Kennedy; decline casing couch offer
-Host Star Wars Pogs collector panel with Wil Wheaton
-Field questions from trolls looking to gain Internet cool points by mocking prequels for the gazillionth time
-Make appearance at Canada Goose booth in exclusive black Anakin parka with lightsaber holder
-Attend 40 Years of Star Wars panel; avoid looking Kennedy in the eye
-Play footsies with Ian McDiarmid
-Jump in to answer questions, even if not directed towards self
-Mention “Darth Vegas” whenever possible, then laugh really hard
-Remain on stage hours after panel ends
-Scream “I HATE YOU!” to no one in particular until the cleaning crew asks you to “Please, please leave Mr. Hamill”
Sunday April 16
-Wake up from a feverish dream
-Remember why you haven’t been to Star Wars Celebration in 15 years
-Promptly fire mom-ager
-Gather Rachel and Briar Rose and high tail it home in time for Degrassi High
Wow — Christensen certainly has a packed schedule! And if our source is to be believed, you’d better make it your business to meet Anakin during Celebration, because it’s likely the last we’ll see of him for at least another 15 years. Do you really blame him?
As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for the latest and fakest Star Wars news in the galaxy!
-William “Willybobo” Bobo
