Lucasfilm Erupts in Civil War Over What to Feed Fans Lined Up for Celebration
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — It should be exciting times at Lucasfilm on the eve of Star Wars Celebration, the 4-day fan experience where the first teaser trailer and poster for Star Wars: The Last Jedi are expected to debut. Unfortunately, a few peculiar details regarding the event have torn the organization apart. Entire departments are refusing to speak to one another, and hundreds if not thousands of emails are going unopened out of spite.
The cause of the calamity? What to feed the masses that will inevitably line up 48-172 hours early to be in attendance for the marquee 40th Anniversary of Star Wars panel on Saturday, April 15, 2017.
It may seem trivial, but the carefully planned “surprise” has become a Star Wars tradition over the last few years at major conventions. If you recall, esteemed TV director of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, J.J. Abrams bought pizza for 1,500 fans waiting for the opening ceremonies of Star Wars Celebration in 2015. That same year, Abrams also surprised fans on line for The Force Awakens panel at San Diego Comic-Con with complimentary donuts.
For this year’s event, company brass can’t seem to agree on what to feed the mob of superfans who wait on ridiculously long lines. On one side you have Episode VIII director Rian Johnson who suggested “sushi burritos” made with a darkened tortilla to reflect his sequel’s dark nature and overall “weirdness.”
The radical idea was met with resistance by Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy, who fears “sushi burritos” will lead to claims of white washing and/or cultural appropriation by social media critics as well as people of Japanese and/or Mexican descent. Kennedy leads an opposing faction of employees who believe cinnamon buns as a tribute to the late Carrie Fisher would be the most tasteful treat to serve.
Yet a third group led by Han Solo co-directors Philip Lord and Christopher Miller prefer a simpler, more elegant option: pizza topped with ham – a not-so-subtle pun based on Ham Solo. Sadly, rumors have begun circulating that Lord and Miller have had a falling out, because the former prefers ham with pineapple, while the latter believes pineapple on pizza is a greater sin than the Star Wars Christmas Special.
Currently it appears as though Team Sushi Burrito is set to win this culinary civil war at Lucasfilm, although Team Cinnamon Buns is only slightly behind by 10 employees. Whoever wins, one thing’s guaranteed: fans who line up for Star Wars Celebration are in for a treat worthy of the franchise’s 40th anniversary.
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-William “Willybobo” Bobo
