Hackers Claim Stolen Disney Films Suck Anyway
DARK WEB, THE WEB —A group of hackers has issued a statement in response to Disney’s flat-out refusal to pay ransom demands in connection to stolen copies of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales and Star Wars: The Last Jedi.
According to hacker spokesman TheDarkOverlord: “These movies suck hard. They’re seriously not worth your bandwidth or your time – 65% on Rotten Tomatoes at best. Trust me, you’re better off not seeing them, they’re that bad. Hell, I wish I could unsee these abominations. So we’re just going to delete the movies, no harm, no foul. Oh, and you’re welcome. We just saved you from major suckage, courtesy of the true pirates at Disney.”
Harsh remarks from the hackers, but it seems Disney CEO Bob Iger successfully called their bluff. Earlier this week, Iger told company employees that he would not pay a single Bitcoin to the hackers, who threatened to release the films online if their demands were not met.
For those of you at home keeping score: Iger 1 Hackers 0
Despite his victory in a war of words, we’re told Iger continues to work vigilantly with federal investigators to identify the hackers and bring them to justice. Rumor has it, the Disney honcho is also devising all-new strategies to ensure Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales and Star Wars: The Last Jedi score higher than 65% on Rotten Tomatoes.
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-William “Willybobo” Bobo
