E3 Gives Star Wars Fans Hope of Even Longer Lines at Celebration
LOS ANGELES, CA — The annual E3: Electronic Entertainment Expo debuted record-breaking lines for industry professionals and fans alike yesterday. The 3-day affair where videogame publishers unveil upcoming games was a literal “sweathouse” with people crammed elbow to elbow, both inside and outside the Los Angeles Convention Center, for the off-chance to play highly anticipated new releases, including Super Mario Odyssey and the next Call of Duty. Ironically, what may appear to be miserable convention conditions has actually filled Star Wars fans around the world with hope.
“I want Lucasfilm to take a long hard look at E3. Because THAT’S how you satisfy hardcore fans. I expect to see longer lines, fewer amenities, and a no-free-food on line policy for the next Star Wars Celebration. This is what separates the true fans from the dirty casuals. It’s all we have,” said professional line jockey and Star Wars podcaster Dirk “Luuke” Stephenson.
Videogame experts believe the fact that E3 was opened to the general public is what led to the overcrowding and inhuman conditions.
“This is what happens when you sell 15,000 additional tickets without considering the venue or the floor experience. Why the hell would you open everything up to everyone at the same time? Hell, even with my press pass, I’m still 5 hours away from touching a controller. And that’s just to play a crap Sonic game,” added YouTube influencer PieDeePew.
Such tales of woe have may generate sympathy in videogame circles, but Stephenson is unmoved.
“I read about a guy who waited 12 hours in line, no bathroom breaks, for a 10-minute demo of the new Mario game? Pffft. Cry me a river. I slept in the street for 3 nights for the chance to get a ticket for a screening of a 2-minute sizzle reel of Rogue One.”
Star Wars fans hungry to overpay for the privilege of waiting in overly long lines may be in luck though. We’re told Lucasfilm has begun to plan Star Wars Celebration 2019 with E3 learnings firmly in mind. According to our sources, organizers are looking to make things extra uncomfortable, starting with the location. A remote outpost in Siberia is being eyed to host the mega con dedicated to all things Star Wars. We hear they’re also debating making it Kids Free Day every day so as to maximize bottlenecks and really snake those lines out across the sub-zero landscape.
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-William “Willybobo” Bobo
