Rey is Worthless According to Mr. Monopoly
“No amount of money, intergalactic credits or half portions will get me to put Rey in Star Wars Monopoly,” proclaimed Rich Uncle Pennybags aka Monopoly Man during a press conference held this morning at Hasbro headquarters in Pawtucket, Rhode Island. This comes after the toy brand came under fire for not issuing a token of the heroine from The Force Awakens due to insufficient interest.
“Insufficient interest indeed, on my part, and the buck most certainly stops here,” declared Pennybags whilst twirling his mustache and entertaining calls of support from President Donald J. Trump and Scrooge McDuck.
“Rey is a two-dimensional caricature and has no place on my boardwalks. And trust me, I’m saving everyone from a nightmare. Because if we added a Rey token, you can be sure whomever chooses her will expect to magically be filthy rich and good at everything before paying their dues. And when they don’t win, they’ll start a hashtag campaign saying you’re a capitalist sexist pig. Not on my watch!”
Despite Pennybags bold statements, many Star Wars fans have taken to social media to express outrage over Rey’s omission from the board game. Our social media expert-intern reports spotting two to three instances of #BoycottStarWarsMonopoly but it’s still very early in Portland.
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—William “Willybobo” Bobo
