Kylo Ren Stages Intervention to Help Snoke Kick Death Sticks Habit
The Outer Rim — After losing his father late last year, Kylo Ren is doing everything in his power to prolong the life of his surrogate dad, Supreme Leader Snoke. Insiders report the leader of the Knights of Ren has gone so far as to arrange a surprise intervention to get Snoke to finally quit his nasty death sticks habit.
For years now, the galaxy’s worst kept secret has been what was really behind Snoke’s transformation. While it’s undeniable that the Supreme Leader is consumed by the dark side, his physical deterioration has more to do with his addiction to nicotine than any Sith-related side effects. It’s something everyone in the First Order and the Outer Rim territories is well aware of. After the destruction of Starkiller base, however, Kylo Ren felt it was time to address the addiction eating at the heart of the military faction.
We’re told Ren along with General Hux, Captain Phasma, and Colonel Datoo confronted Snoke in his luxe private quarters aboard his super star destroyer, the Menstruator. Emotions rang very high as the First Order senior leadership expressed how much pain and suffering Snoke’s habit had caused the organization. “Not a dry eye in the house,” said a mouse droid informant.
Rumor has it Datoo held up a centerfold of a classically handsome Snoke centuries before he ever picked up a death stick. The Supreme Leader refused to look at his well-coifed and amazingly chiseled former self, opting to play with his fingers and mime smoking a death stick instead.
For his part, Ren produced photos of the late Han Solo as well as his late grandfather, Anakin Skywalker. Snoke’s protégé then pleaded with Snoke, explaining how the wise leader was all he had left in the galaxy. The “Golden One” as the leader prefers to be called off the record, mocked Ren by telling him his departed family members would have been disappointed in him for being such a whiner, and not letting a “player play.”
Phasma’s contribution was a bit more disturbing. She hauled in a collection of various putrid body parts that Snoke has replaced over the years. The gaunt, blue-eyed giant simply looked away and used the various air holes along his neck to play a haunting rendition of the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise.
Next was General Hux, who explained how his cat named Millicent has developed a nasty case of asthma on account of death stick smoke traveling throughout the star destroyer’s venting system. Hux was in tears as he explained how his space vet said if these smoke conditions continued, Millicent would likely also develop holes in her neck, atrophied limbs, and an overall zombie-like appearance.
The intervention ended with a squad of Snoke’s personal Praetorian Guard who came into the room holding large PRAE FOR SNOKE signs. The red-hooded elite soldiers presented a slide show of Snoke in better times, which managed to finally get through his thick exterior. The supreme leader actually cracked a smile as scenes of holiday parties from years gone by played on the screen.
After the emotional two-hour affair, Snoke promised to cut back on his 4-carton-a-day habit. He’s also looking into e-death stick technologies. With any luck, the leader of the First Order will live to see many more days, thanks to the intervention organized by Kylo Ren of all people. It seems there is still good in him; he just may be applying it in the wrong ways.
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-William “Willybobo” Bobo
