David Skywalker Pumpkins… Any Questions?!
Halloween bombshell! FSW has just learned that fan-favorite seasonal weirdo David S. Pumpkins is actually a long-lost Skywalker. According to our sources, the professional scarer is Anakin’s half-brother and half-uncle to twins Luke and Leia. It appears Shmi Skywalker gave birth to David several years before conceiving Anakin. As the story goes, David’s father was a well-to-do moisture farmer who was obsessed with the macabre. The well-educated native of Tatooine, reportedly 20 years Shmi’s senior, traveled the galaxy seeking the scariest things in existence. Part archaeologist, part thrill seeker, the horror hound went by the singular name of Pumpkins.
With his considerable wealth, dashing good looks and penchant for “frightful good times,” Shmi could hardly resist his advances. After a torrid love affair that involved many a late-night tryst on sacred Tusken burial grounds, Skywalker found herself with child. Ironically, fatherhood proved too scary for Pumpkins, who quickly sold his moisture farms and left Tatooine for good… but not before leaving a letter and a small fortune for Shmi to care for their child.
In the letter, Pumpkins apologized for abandoning his new family, but claimed he “had to do his own thing.” The deadbeat dad urged Shmi to name the child David, and raise him to never fear anything, but instead turn fear into fun for people everywhere.
As luck would have it, David was born on Halloween night during a rare double full moon. The child clearly took after his father and wasted absolutely no time getting into the scare game. Wet nurse droid records confirm that little David had covered himself in Shmi’s blood and somehow created a pair of baby devil horns out of endometrial material, all in preparation for his horrific debut. Needless to say, the baby (in what must have been the cutest Darth Maul cosplay) scared Shmi half to death. Mission accomplished, the mischievous newborn danced a bit before jumping into her arms.
Over the years, Shmi embraced David’s scare tactics, and even encouraged the ever-fashionable young man to pursue his passion. To that end, the single mother let David take up with Tusken Raiders, who taught him how to scare the bejeezus out of anyone dumb enough to be out on the Jundland Wastes. David even mastered the ancient Tusken art of bone puppetry. Using bits and pieces of a Krayt dragon skeleton, David was able to create two completely organic sidekick friends that he’d take everywhere.
As David neared his 16th birthday, Shmi miraculously became pregnant once again. Without a clear father for this new child, David felt great shame… but at the same time, he was excited because this conception must clearly be the result of some scary demonic power. Sadly for David, he would never actually grow up to see the evil seed come to bear fruit. Fearing for her health, Shmi sent David to live with family on an Outer Rim territory. His scary practical jokes, which David had no control over, posed too great a risk past the first trimester of his mother’s pregnancy.
David grew distant with his Skywalker family back on Tatooine. He threw himself into the growing musical horror theater scene in the Unknown Territories. As he and his skeleton dance crew gained notoriety, so too did his half-brother Anakin. However, experts believe to this day David is unaware of what became of his Skywalker bloodline. Darth Vader, Luke and Leia – none of it ever made its way to David. If it did, he pretended to ignore it. Some insiders believe David uses his stage show as a coping mechanism.
“He knows the truth deep down inside, but it scares him,” said a family friend. “Hopefully on Halloween night, he does some soul searching and comes to terms with the truth. Once a Skywalker, always a Skywalker.”
Scary stuff! Be sure to scare someone you love today! As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for all the Star Wars news worth faking. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away.
-William “Willybobo” Bobo
