Therm Scissorpunch Banned From Staples
“Classic xenophobia. No two ways about it. They should be ashamed of themselves,” said Therm Scissorpunch, an alien of unknown origin with scissors for hands.
According to Scissorpunch, it all started when he stepped into a Cleveland area Staples to make several copies of his headshot, which he’s done several times in the past without incident. The large crustacean-looking alien was told the print job would take a half hour, so he decided to kill some time.
Scissorpunch didn’t wander very far before he caught something in the reflection of his blade hands. “Two security guards tailing me for no reason… first I thought they might have wanted a picture or an autograph, but when I turned around, it became clear they were up to something worse.”
Eyewitnesses say security tackled Scissorpunch and forced his scissor hands closed with several layers of duct tape before stuffing each claw into oven mitts. The alien was then taken to a small cell located in the back of the store.
“They held me for 3 hours against my will. One of them planted a ream of half torn paper under my carapace. Do I look like someone who would cut up thousands of dollars worth of paper and packing bubbles FOR FUN?!”
The nightmare finally ended when a Lucasfilm attorney called Staples management, and threatened legal action. In the end, Scissorpunch was let go, but was banned from ever stepping clawfoot inside a Staples again for posing danger to printed products. Meanwhile, the retailer covered the bill for the Scissorpunch’s headshots and whatever damages his scissor hands may have sustained during the scuffle. Get well soon, Therm! Can’t wait to see you in Solo: A Star Wars Story.
Stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for all the Star Wars news worth faking. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away. Also join our new Discord server to talk Star Wars with us!
-William “Willybobo” Bobo
