Daisy Ridley Enters Rehab For Salt Addiction
After months of speculation and dehydration, Star Wars actor Daisy Ridley has entered a facility to treat her spicy addiction to table salt. According to our spies, trouble began on the set of Rian Johnson’s The Last Jedi. It appears the meta scene where a pair of Resistance fighters (one of which is played by Rogue One director Gareth Edwards) comment on the white substance on the ground, revealing it to be salt instead of snow, set something off within Ridley.
“She’d literally eat kosher salt straight. Maybe chase it down with a peanut or two. It was really bizarre,” said one of our spies close to the production. Ridley’s penchant for salt extended to the metaphorical kind as well. “The girl was obsessed with bad press throughout the production, and it only got worse once TLJ was released. She would only read the negative reviews, and has watched literally thousands of YouTube videos nitpicking the film, while pretending to eat popcorn but secretly only licking the salt off each kernel.”
Whilst Disney would have loved to keep the addiction secret, throughout press tours for The Last Jedi, Ridley exhibited tell tale signs of salt addiction, including constant panting, jaw clenching, enlarged pupils and the constant rubbing of her nose.
“That’s textbook sodium chloride addiction. She needs to hydrate stat,” said general health practitioner Sanjay Guptarkassian. If Ridley continues ingesting more than 12 times the recommended daily allowance of salt, she could be facing high blood pressure and it’s myriad complications in the near future. “The worst thing for her in this condition would be to drink her own sweat or tears,” added Guptarkassian.
While Ridley’s health is of primary concern, Star Wars fandom is full of theories on how this will impact Episode IX. “Kiss any salt planet goodbye… and definitely no meta commentary with Rey drinking fan boy tears… I’d also venture to guess that Grunburgers at Kraft services will no longer be a thing,” said European vlogger and Kika Ridley expert, Mal Malfeasance.
We reached out to Edwards and Johnson for comment on this story, since they seemingly have blood red dirt and salt on their hands, but neither replied to our snaps or fishbowl invites in time. For updates on this and all other Star Wars news worth faking, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away. Oh hey, join our new Discord server to talk Star Wars with us, too!
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