Sinkhole Reveals Sarlacc On White House Lawn
WASHINGTON D.C. — A widely reported sinkhole on the North Lawn of the White House has widened, revealing a mature female sarlacc. The discovery was made by a junior communications aide, who witnessed the creature swallow a Huffington Post reporter whole. The sarlacc and its sinkhole home have since been cordoned off as Animal Control Services determine how best to deal with the massive pest. White House lore experts believe the deadly creature has lived under the storied lawn for 35,000 years, feeding on the enemies of U.S. presidents since the very first Commander in Chief.
“It’s been draining the swamp since before there was a swamp in this part of Washington,” said Terry Sparrow, leading volcanologist and sarlacc expert. “With all the river deposits in the soil, I wouldn’t be surprised if we discovered an adult male living nearby as well.”
Sparrow’s DNA tests on one of the sarlacc’s appendages have already made a shocking discovery: the creature has ties to both organized crime and show business. The “MAGALACC,” as it’s been dubbed by the press due to its penchant for sporting a Make America Great Hat, happens to be first cousins with the late celebrity sarlacc that ruled over the Great Pit of Carkoon on Tatooine for Jabba the Hutt.
“It makes sense. That whole family has always been drawn to power, but don’t be fooled. They’re nowhere near as tough as they let on. All bark, no beak,” said Sparrow.
For the moment, however, the “MAGALACC” isn’t going anywhere. Despite Sparrow’s expert advice, the National Park Service has been unable to get past the creature’s formidable defenses, because explosives are completely out of the question.
“I would love to blow it up, but the amount of neurotoxins inside that thing would paralyze everyone in a 20-block radius,” said a spokesman for the National Park Service.
Instead, we’re told officials may bring in a 747 SuperTanker, typically used during forest fires, to drop 19,000 gallons of a known sarlacc retardant. “Boba tea… they absolutely hate it,” said Sparrow with a wry grin.
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