Thanos Considers Resetting Star Wars Continuity
During a relaxing Memorial Day weekend spent alone at multiple showings of Solo: A Star Wars Story, Infinity Gauntlet wielder and lifelong Star Wars fan Thanos contemplated stepping in to help the struggling brand. According to the Titan, the franchise’s lore has become too confusing for casual fans, and Disney’s attempt to have the film series match its prolific Marvel output is not helping matters.
“There’s too much crap for Joe Q Moviegoer to keep track of. And jumping around within timelines is terrible from a casual’s point of view. I may need to reset reality to October 29, 2012 and undo the Disney Lucasfilm sale.”
Such a move would wipe the Star Wars slate clean of Disney’s output, which now includes four films that have steadily declined at the box office with each subsequent release. More importantly, to millions of core Star Wars fans, it would reinstate the Expanded Universe of games, books and comics into canon once again. But using the Infinity Gauntlet to change reality for the sake of fandom is not something Thanos takes lightly.
“I really don’t want to do it, because I have a lot of heart for some of Disney’s new Star Wars characters, especially Kylo Ren and Doctor Aphra, but I’m not sure they’re worth the rest of the filler and soft reboots we’ve gotten, especially when you consider some of the gems in the Expanded Universe.”
The irony of the cosmic conundrum facing Thanos, of course, is that he’s partly to blame for creating “the new Star Wars.” As the central villain in a storyline that’s been built up for over 19 films, the purple supergenius with a heart of gold has seemingly become this generation’s “Darth Vader,” thanks to Kevin Feige and his stewardship of Marvel Studios.
“It’s dragging me down. My films are destroying worldwide… and it kills me that my success must come at the cost of something so near and dear to my heart. Why can’t superhero films exist alongside a successful series of Star Wars films? Technically I’ve only got one more movie left… since Phase Four is going to introduce a different big bad, but Star Wars may only have one movie left too… I just need time to process all of this.”
Alas, it seems the bigger they are, the bigger the existential crisis. Good luck working things out Thanos. Like Mom Mothma at FSW HQ always says: Introspection is always the best medicine.
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