Ask Sheev: SOLO Edition
HARK! Sheev has returned from his sabbatical in the Outer Rim, and he’s ready to impart wisdom on all things Solo related. Warning: Palpatine pulls no punches. But if you’re fan enough, then prepare for another edition of “Ask Sheev” with proven advice from the galaxy’s greatest shock jock.
Dear Sheev, Should I shoot first?
-Thanks, Greedo
Gerudo,
If you have to ask, you’re already dead.
Good morning my sweet, sweet Emperor,
I read a theory that Rey’s parents are Darth Maul and Q’ira. I was excited by the idea until I realized your former apprentice has a robotic lower half! We all know that robots and droid can be… intimate thanks to L3-37 and Lando’s conversation about “droid orgies” but can they procreate? And more importantly can a cyborg Zabrak like Maul conceive with a human like Q’ira?
Thank you for your time my very attractive Emperor.
Emilia Park, Destin, FL
Dearest Emily,
You flatter me with your silver tongue, but your query disgusts me. I’ll answer it anyway, because I’m in a good mood. Droids cannot procreate. Nor do they have any more rights than any one who works for me. That is to say NONE. As for whether Maul and Qi’ra — what a dumb name by the way — could have been Rey’s parents… that is a tantalizing possibility given he’s a cyborg and partly organic. However, you’ve clearly never heard the tale of Qi’ra The Pure, a femme fatale who despite the physical trappings of immense beauty, remained a virgin her whole life.
Dear Sheev,
Were you part of the #BoycottSolo movement on Twitter or are you a soyboy?
-Best_Incel
Darth Incelticus,
As the subject of many boycotts, I know all too well how painful it is to be singled out for no good reason. That’s why I have a zero tolerance policy for boycotts of any kind involving me. But I’m all for people boycotting other things, especially if it can somehow benefit the Empire. With Solo, however, I’m conflicted. He served in the Imperial Navy for a few years, so that buys him some goodwill. To answer your question, no, I was not part of #BoycottSolo… which makes me a soyboy I suppose. Is that a bad thing? I hope not — for your sake. I have your IP address.
Yo Sheev,
What you think about facial tats? Should I get a Han Solo’s dice inked on the inside of my bottom lip?
-Takashi 69
Dear TK-69,
DO IT
Dear Sheev,
How do I know if I’m pansexual like Lando Calrissian?
Confucious,
Pansexual just means that you love everyone equally in that special way. So if you are equally excited by human, Sith, aliens, ships – whatever – then you are pansexual… and please never contact me again. Nothing personal, but I’m the opposite of a pansexual you see. I HATE EVERYONE.
‘Sup Sheev,
What did you think of Alden Ehrenreich’s performance? Do you think he looks anything like a young Han Solo? Have you ever been told you look like someone famous?
-A. Ingruber
Dear Grooter,
I found Aldo Reichenberg to be adequate as a young Han Solo. Personally, I think he resembled a young Sheev more than Solo though, but that may have to do with the terrible lighting. Half the time I couldn’t tell what was going on. Please send me the name of the cinematographer… I’d like to light him up with Sith lightning and film it to demonstrate what a properly lit action scene should look like.
Dear Sheev,
Were you as surprised as me to see my better half again?
-D. Maul’s Legs
Dear Former Legs Of My Former Apprentice,
Not surprised. I taught you and your upper body very well. We should catch up. Call me.
Hola Sheevisito!
I’m at the border between the U.S. and Mexico, and the border patrol is asking me if I have a last name… I’m not sure what to do… He’s suggesting all kinds of puns based on my physical appearance and the fact that I don’t have a family or a people. What should I do? Also, how did you get your name, Sheev?
-A solo anonymous person
Rise Anon,
Do not let this pathetic border patrolman label you with a name beneath your station. You are to refuse his suggestions and tell him you are a Palpatine. Make it very clear you expect to be let into the country upon a golden throne carried by stooges like himself. Should he refuse you passage, punch him in the groin and do the Sheev spin up and over the border. Then hightail it to the nearest Western Union, where I will make contact. Good luck. As for my name… I made it up after emancipating myself from my parents at the age of four. They were the worst.
Zip Zap Zop Sheev!
Hey bud. It’s us, Phil Lord and Chris Miller, the guys who directed the Solo film before Kathleen Kennedy replaced us with Ron Howard, who reshot everything. Anyway, we were wondering when would be the best time to break our silence and comment on the fact that Solo is bombing at the box office. Because oh boy, do we have jokes about this debacle. We’re just not sure when would be the best time to strike Kathleen Kennedy and smear egg on her face. Thanks in advance, bud!
Dear Zipperheads,
A good friend of mine – Rian Johnson — once asked me a similar question. He wanted to know when should he admit any faults about his killing of the Star Wars franchise. In his case, I advised him to never give in, and always carry himself as superior to the plebes. But I fear, in your case, this may be impossible. However, my baby-faced apprentice Johnson believes you should wait until the third or fourth week… he says that is when everyone involved will be at their weakest. So that is when you go on the offense with reckless abandonment. Hit them with every yuck yuck you’ve got. Knock-knock jokes, Mom Mothma jokes, anything goes. Strike. Her. Down!
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