Disney Holding Casting Calls For Kathleen Kennedy Replacement
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Disney’s ongoing search for a new Lucasfilm president aka the worst kept secret in Hollywood, is about to become even more painstakingly obvious. After months of negative press following The Last Jedi and compounded further by Solo’s abysmal box office performance, Disney CEO Bob Iger met with his movie division honcho Alan Horn and the heads of Pixar, Marvel Studios and ILM to discuss the state of Star Wars, and how to right the ship.
The group was unanimous — current Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy had to go. Her attempts to transform Star Wars into a franchise for women and people of color have failed. Worse yet, Kennedy and her loyalists within Lucasfilm have openly insulted the core audience for Star Wars, driving them to boycott the films and products.
According to our sources, Iger’s solution was to mine his brain trust’s collective networks for an executive skilled in diplomacy; someone who also possessed the boardroom savvy necessary to withstand periodic firing squads comprised of Iger and Disney shareholders. After identifying a handful of potentials, the Disney Chief eagerly reached out… only to be ghosted again and again. The candidates would agree to an initial meeting on the phone, then simply never show.
As things grew bleak, Iger’s next strategy was to promote from within. He approached everyone from Episode IX director J.J. Abrams to Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige and even Dave Filoni, one of George Lucas’ acolytes in charge of animation. Surprisingly, none of them were willing to take the high-profile gig. It seemed Kennedy was irreplaceable… until Iger’s latest stratagem came to him late one evening.
He laid it bare the next morning for the think tank: Kathleen Kennedy’s replacement would be selected via open casting call process. Apparently, Iger pointed to Solo and how it took months and over 2,500 candidates, but finally they were able to find someone with as much charisma as a young, slightly hungover perhaps catatonic Harrison Ford. So, too, would this process enable them to find the right executive to run Lucasfilm.
Disney placed classified ads — under a fake company name, of course — within professional social networks, newspapers, and community bulletin boards. They didn’t want a carbon copy of Kennedy, nor did they want someone too far on the other end of the spectrum a la Dave Filoni, whose creativity far outweighed his business experience.
Our source claims Iger then held a top-secret meeting with George Lucas, the creator of Star Wars and the man who recommended Kathleen Kennedy for the role. Apparently “The Maker” giggled and admitted to trolling Disney with the Kennedy recommendation. However, now, Lucas was willing to provide genuine advice, since his dark joke had gone too far.
Lucas proceeded to outline a four-pronged approach to identifying “The Chosen One.” He advised Iger to focus on the following Lucasfilm presidential candidates only:
12-year Old Children
Lucas reminded Iger that the entire Star Wars saga was his attempt to make films that appealed to 12-year old children. Naturally, they would know better than anyone else what would resonate with their tween peers. As for child labor laws, Lucas believes the right pre-pubescent kid would only need an hour or two a day to do a better job than Kennedy.
Super Woke Droids
After children, Lucas argued, the next foundational element of Star Wars are droids. It’s no coincidence that Threepio and R2 appear in every mainline episode. They are meant to document the entire Skywalker saga and be our connective tissue so to speak. With advances in machine learning, A.I. and big data, there’s no reason Iger couldn’t finance the development of a creative executive droid. Lucas believes a “smart” humanoid would also bypass any concerns over pushing political ideologies, since it would be gender-free and wrapped in adaptive skin that periodically appears in every possible human skin tone.
Kevin Feige Clones
Lucas has been wildly impressed with Marvel Studios mastermind Kevin Feige. So much so, that he believes a Feige clone could be the key to fixing all that’s ailing Star Wars under Kennedy. We’re told Iger initially balked at the idea, because Feige had already declined the opportunity to take the role himself. Apparently Lucas urged Iger to look beyond any ethical concerns regarding free will and proceed with cloning Feige anyway. The way Lucas sees it, Star Wars and Marvel fans alike would love trying to guess which Feige made which decisions. Our source says Iger is slowly warming to the idea, mainly because Lucas explained how amazing the meta narrative would be, considering how clones feature heavily in both cinematic universes. Synergy sells.
Transhuman Pregnant Women Of Color
It’s unclear if Lucas was once again trolling on the level of his infamous “Darth Icky” incident, but he also told Iger diversity could be a gold mine… if you took it to the next level. Rather than having a liberal white man or woman preaching about diversity in film and doing little to nothing about hiring people of color in positions of power, why not make the President of Lucasfilm a person of color and get all of that out of the way. Moreover, by ensuring the employee is a pregnant woman (preferably carrying twins for extra Star Wars fanboy points) with at least one or more technological enhancements fused to their person, not only would Disney be seen as hyper progressive, it would free the films from having to shoehorn so much of their liberal agenda via empty virtue signaling.
That’s all our source was able to divulge without risking his cover. It’s certainly eye-opening stuff. Will Iger listen to Lucas though? That’s the billion dollar question. Regardless, if you’re a 12-year old or know a 12-year old with a great imagination, this could be your big break. Open casting calls are occurring in middle schools throughout the country under the fake label of “AV Club tryouts.” Who do you think will be the next president of Lucasfilm? Let us know in the comments, or hit us up on Twitter!
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