Episode IX To Be Kinkiest Star Wars Ever
After years of white-centric hairstyles, Star Wars is finally going to add some much needed diversity to its hairdos with Episode IX. According to sources, director J.J. Abrams who proudly sports an iconic afro himself, has asked the cast and crew of his upcoming sequel to grow their hair out for the film.
“I want volume. I want kinks. I want natural oils to flow and create big multi-ethnic hair. The kind of hair that makes white conservatives clutch their pearls and reach for their straighteners,” said Abrams from on location in England.
In retrospect, the writing has been on the wall for months. Earlier this year, John Boyega was spotted with a longer hairstyle, seemingly inspired by Michael B. Jordan’s look as Killmonger in Black Panther. More recently, one of the new additions to the cast of Episode IX —Naomi Ackie — has also been seen with her normally braided hair let loose and free, resulting in much greater volume.
Boyega and Ackie may have led the follicle charge, but we’re told everyone from sequel stars Adam Driver and Daisy Ridley to original trilogy actors Mark Hamill and Billy Dee Williams will also sport longer locks.
In fact, Driver’s Kylo Ren is set to receive an all-new helmet design that doubles as a volumizer with enough space inside to add body to Kylo’s locks while avoiding dreaded helmet hair. “He’s a big guy, who deserves even bigger hair,” said Abrams.
As for the elder statesmen of the cast, Abrams mentioned that Luke Skywalker will have a thicker, wiser beard with four to five padawan braids attached to it. Meanwhile, Lando Calrissian will forgo his straightened hair from The Empire Strikes Back in favor of a more natural afro.
“If I take my glasses off, we’re basically twins now except for his mustache, which I can’t seem to grow for the life of me,” added Abrams, who has added four inches to the height of his own afro and a slight blonde wisp over his top lip.
While the bespectacled filmmaker was happy to share plans regarding male performer hair, he refused to provide any details on the women’s kinkier hairstyles. Rey’s new look, which we’re told involves radically new hair, remains shrouded in secrecy. One insider did hint at ILM being involved in some capacity, perhaps to add more height and create “sentient” hair that Rey can control with the Force.
Can more inclusive, diverse hair styles save the beleaguered film franchise? Are natural locks the key to unlocking China? Only time will tell, but the hair on our arms is already standing on end, just thinking about the possibilities.
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