Palpatine Issues Order 66 On Nike After “Just Do It” Snub
500 REPUBLICA, CORUSCANT — Nike may have just pulled a quarterback sneak on the Supreme Chancellor, but there will be all manner of hell to pay, according to his inner circle.
For months, the sneaker giant had been courting Emperor Palpatine to be the face of its 30th anniversary campaign for “JUST DO IT,” arguably the most famous advertising tagline in history. The three words also happen to include Palpatine’s own motto “DO IT,” which has become infamous on the internet, sprouting thousands of memes over the last decade.
On paper, the pair were a perfect fit — in addition to his penchant for head-turning style, Palpatine is notorious for persevering in the face of adversity. Here was a man who transformed the entire Republic under a message of hope and betterment for humanoids and aliens alike.
Sadly, perhaps due to his age or his slaughter of every living Jedi, Nike was snubbed Palpatine and chosen controversial ex-NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick as the face of its campaign instead. The move comes as a shock to Palpatine and his constituents, who presumed The Emperor would certainly be announced as the “JUST DO IT” spokesperson.
“From this day forward, Nike… the swoosh… the air bubble… and anything Colin Kaepernick are considered enemies of the first Galactic Empire! Every citizen is expected to boycott the traitorous brand and set fire to any shoes of theirs you may already own. I say to you as I have always said throughout my tenure, especially during trying times: DO IT,” said Palpatine in a broadcast beamed across the galaxy.
Meanwhile on Earth, liberals are celebrating the Kaepernick announcement. “He took a knee in protest… and was willing to sacrifice his career to JUST DO IT, so this is a great big snub to all the racist NFL team owners. They thought they could keep Kap from earning a living and getting his message out there, but it backfired big time,” said a spokesperson for Kaepernick.
When asked whether the ex-quarterback was at all concerned over Palpatine seeking revenge, Kaepernick’s camp merely laughed and claimed, “The Star Wars prequels sucked because of him.”
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