Miss America Pageant Now A Star Wars Competition
In a sign of the times, the Miss America Pageant is ditching swimsuits in favor of Hutt slaying. The beauty pageant organization is undergoing a “long overdue feminist rebranding,” according to Chairperson Gretchen Carlson. “We’re no longer a pageant concerned with physical beauty. We’re now a Star Wars competition between fierce competitors.”
According to Carlson, the American institution has grown irrelevant over the years, further exacerbated by our current #MeToo climate. As for why a new focus on Star Wars of all things, the former Fox News anchor believes the new films in the Skywalker saga are great examples of female empowerment.
“The Force is female, so naturally Miss America should be Force sensitive, and have a complete understanding of its principles. It wouldn’t hurt if a mean Yoda impersonation, they could do, too,” added Carlson added in a bad Frank Oz voice.
Among the Miss America Competition’s biggest changes is the removal of the swimsuit portion of the contest — for years, one of the televised show’s biggest draws. Instead, the 51 competitors will now go one-on-one with the architect of the new “woke” Star Wars films, Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy.
Each of the women will be interviewed by Kennedy about the following:
- Achievements and goals in life
- History with the Star Wars universe
- How she will use the Force along with her talents, passion, and ambition to perform the job of Miss America
In addition, the contest will now forgo the entertainment portion of the competition in favor of a Hutt-slaying obstacle course. “Why have a male pop star come out and croon the women when we can use that time to test the physical fitness of our competitors? Imagine American Ninja Warrior meets Jabba’s Palace… it’s all about using the female Force to conquer the course and slay the Hutt faster than anyone else,” said Carlson.
The re-energized Miss America Competition is also mixing up the evening wear portion as well. Now, competitors will be able to dress in their choice of separates along with traditional floor-length gowns. In other words, a midriff baring white top paired with white yoga pants a la Padme Amidala in Attack of the Clones is perfectly acceptable.
Will these changes be enough to make Miss America as relevant as it once was? Are ratings going to drop faster than Mace Windu at the hands of Darth Sidious? The Force is strong with us, but the future of Miss America is still pretty hazy… sequence-y but hazy.
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