Rey’s Encounter With De-Aged Luke Swolewalker In Episode IX!
Hold onto your harlequin romance novels, Reylo fans — a new leak from one of our best spies has revealed a giant curveball is headed your way. THIS IS HUGE! Apparently, director J.J. Abrams is going to retcon Luke Skywalker’s death, and bring him back like you’re never seen him before: topless, and just as buff as Kylo Ren in The Last Jedi.
Here’s what our spy Mike Zeeroh claims:
“Luke has unlocked the time traveling achievement, and is fully in control of time and space. So he travels back to his Dagobah days and trains harder under Master Yoda to pump up his guns and carve an 18-pack into his body. Luke knows that Rey is smitten by Kylo, and she can’t think straight, because her thoughts are clouded with fantasies of the flesh. It’s going to cause controversy almost like the brother-sister kiss between Luke and Leia, but Jedi Master Skywalker knows that appealing to Rey’s carnal desires is the only chance he has to sway her from Kylo’s spell.”
Luke Swolewalker is said to reveal himself to Rey during one of her Force chats with Kylo. With his added bulk, Swolewalker is able to disconnect Kylo from the chat and talk to Rey one-on-one. According to Zeeroh, the Jedi-in-training is immediately smitten with Swolewalker, setting up a time-traveling romance that will alter timelines and the events of The Force Awakens, The Last Jedi, and the 1977 docudrama Pumping Iron starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
What do you think of a potentially jacked and de-aged Luke Skywalker in Episode IX? Cuter than Swolo Ren or is he in an entirely different league? Let us know in the comments or in social.
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—William “Willyswolo” Swolo
