Cyber Monday Episode IX Leak!
Welcome Cyber Monday and save 100% on the latest Episode IX leak! This juicy info is as FREE as it gets, and we guarantee it’ll have you scratching your head OR YOUR MONEY BACK. It’s a leak so bizarre, it might just be true. So take a break from your online shopping, and pick up the greatest Episode IX leak, since the last one last week!
Please be advised that what we are sharing could actually be the plot of Episode IX. So if you read this, you may have the final entry into the Skywalker saga and the sequel trilogy spoiled for you. We at FSW must disclose that the person who sent this to us did not see the script, but this information came from multiple sources zhe had an opportunity to work with.
Rey is made of Force sensitive clay. Emperor Sheev Palpatine researched this Force clay as a way to achieve immortality, as people could be brought from death when made with this clay, plus force.
Sheev couldn’t work it out how to make this clay, as it required use of the Force. So his first idea was that to wake up the clay was to cause tremors in the Force with mass murder/sacrifice, thus his obsession with super weapons.
Sheev’s emergency plan in case of his death was to cause as much death and destruction as possible which would trigger his resurrection, and the Empire managed to carry it out by apparently destroying multiple planets after ROTJ.
Things got screwy though, because Luke did something to the clay in between the movies and sort of backfired leading to creation of Rey and Snoke.
It’s “assumed” that thus Rey is Luke’s Force-child, but Snoke kind of also, as Luke made some mistake which lead to creation of Snoke.
Snoke is actually sort of made of Sheev Force-DNA, as Luke didn’t manage to sanitize it all. So as it’s incomplete DNA, Snoke came out messed up looking.
Snoke and the First Order continue the war. This “order” they take the name from is an actual order, and that order is to keep the war going until Sheev can be brought back from the dead.
The whole slave planet idea isn’t really about “a secret of the power of the First Order”, but mostly about Kylo Ren who’s worked out that force sensitives can be turned into a fuel for the clay when sacrifices. So he captures them from wherever he can and drops them into the furnace, so to speak.
Kylo of course attempts to resurrect Vader.
Rey ended up on Jakku as she was given under the protection of Lor San Tekka, same way the Obi-Wan looked after Luke on Tatooine.
Rey accidentally killed her “parents” (some Rebels who adopted her) out of anger when they left her on Jakku.
In the end, Kylo manages to resurrect Vader, but Vader doesn’t care about anything else than resurrecting Padme.
The heroes aren’t just trying to liberate the “water planet”, but also to destroy the Sheev fetus, which is in its prime and that’s the reason why Snoke wanted to end the war already, as no more destruction was needed to bring the Emperor back from the dead, thus leading to the execution of the “FINAL ORDER”… Which is the title of Episode IX: The Final Order.
Scratching your head like a wookiee who confused Life Day for Lice Day? Told ya so! If Clay Rey does turns out to be true, hopefully J.J. Abrams pays homage to the Rankin/Bass Productions holiday specials of yore, and uses hybrid claymation/stop motion to finally reveal Snoke and Rey’s origins.
What do you think of our big Cyber Monday leak? Are you buying it or leaving it on the shelf like so many Finns, Zuvios and Rose Ticos? Let us know in the comments on in social!
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—William “Willybobo” Bobo
