Historic Lightsaber Duel Brings Peace to France

March 28, 2019 Teeb Ront’r

PARIS, FRANCE — A years long secret, yet bitter, feud between Atari, Inc. and Chuck E’ Cheese founder Nolan Bushnell and Five Nights at Freddy’s wunderkind Scott Cawthon ended in a Star Wars lightsaber duel on the streets of Paris on International Something on a Stick Day.

As it was earlier reported on TMZ, the reclusive Cawthon was spotted boarding a private jet to parts unknown. But when he resurfaced, it was in the city of lights. Now the official city with the only professional light-saber league, where he finally confronted his master, Bushnell.

Bushnell was wearing socks with sandals, a Gap bath robe, and a t-shirt reading, “My Princess,” as the two met up under the Arc De Triumph for the epic battle. Whilst Cawthon donned bleached skinny jeans, a red hoodie and overly large sunglasses with a Twisty the Fox mask obscuring most of his vision.

The “something on a stick” of choice was pretzels dipped in colored vanilla icing, wrapped in bacon, and deep fried.

The two began to mercilessly beat each other with their “Somethings on a Stick” as the tough plastic laser swords smacked harshly in the crisp Spring air.

Police were already on scene with their sticks too. They were armed with batons to beat back the Yellow Vest brigade when the dueling dweebs drew the attention of tourists and other onlookers. As the battle raged on, the police and provocateurs set aside their struggle long enough to watch how everything would play out.

After almost ten minutes of sword play, Cawthon finally got the high ground and taunted the old man.

“You are finished, old fool, I have the moral high ground, your generation destroyed this world, and now I mean to destroy you!”
-Scott Cawthon, atop a table at a French coffee shop.

But the old master was too shrewd for the neophyte nerd, and in what initially appeared to be a last desperate defense, hurled his saber. It hit the base of the Arc – and miraculously ricocheted violently into the spine of Cawthon, dropping him instantly.

“Young fool, only now, in the end do you remember, that I am the one who created Atari!”
-Nolan Bushnell, while munching his something on a stick in victory.

The police and emergency staff along with stretcher bearers from the Gilets Juens banded together to aide Cawthon to no avail.

Nolan Bushnell, left, would never wrap his arm around Scott Cawthon’s shoulder. But he would wrap his hands around the nerd’s neck.

Cawthon is currently in the hospital on Coruscant, you can send him flowers and well wishes to room 113-A. His doctor, Vhilheim Bobofrued, said they are hopeful that after the surgery he will make a full recover. No word on if Bushnell was arrested or not but FSW France did hear he won a Pong tournament later that evening from an anonymous source.

Oddly enough, we still aren’t sure what caused the rift between the two nerds in the first place, but given Cawthon’s love of The Last Jedi, it appears to stem from that. But, for one historic Something on a Stick Day the fears about the Chlovi Cat France subsided long enough for Star Wars fans to unite to watch a historic battle that we are sure warrants a rematch.

As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for all the finest Star Wars comedy, parody, and satire in the galaxy. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook and subscribe to our Newsletter and Podcasts for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away. Also, consider supporting us on Patreon… for as little as a buck a month, you can help us fake harder, better, faster, stronger.

–Teeb Ront’r

Liked it? Take a second to support Faking Star Wars on Patreon!