Kylo Ren Hits Rock Bottom In Episode IX
If you can’t get enough of Kylo Ren, you’re in for a treat as there will be twice as much of the Dark Prince to fantasize over in Episode IX. WARNING: BIG SPOILERS AHEAD!
Our latest reports confirm a 5-year time jump between the events of The Last Jedi and The Rise Of Skywalker. During that time, the newly crowned Supreme Leader Kylo Ren has fallen into a deep depression and really let himself go. Rey’s rejection and uncle Luke’s Force ghost shenanigans have driven Ren to take up death sticks and various harder narcotics. We’re told this culminates in a shocking new look for Ben Solo.
According to FSW sources, Disney has been deceptively marketing Episode IX imagery featuring Kylo Ren the way we’re used to seeing him. However, these trailer scenes and planned leaks are fake, and will not be in the final film. They’re being used solely to preserve the reveal of Ren’s disturbing new look.
Gone are “Ben Swolo’s” model good looks and shredded physique, replaced by chin-to-floor length mangy beard and at least 100 lbs. of flabby belly. Ren’s look becomes a running joke throughout the film as Emperor Palpatine fat shames his heir apparent at every opportunity. The abuse bounces right off Ren, who’s lost his much of his drive without Rey willing to rule by his side.
It takes an intervention by the Force ghost of his grandfather, Anakin Skywalker, for Ren to begin to fight his terrible addictions, poor diet, and lack of physical activity. Gradually he becomes aware of how little the Sith care for the body. And if he’s going to win Rey back, he’s going to have to shape up or ship out.
Anakin secretly trains Ben Solo, placing him on a strict Skywalker diet… from what we hear it’s the Star Wars version of the wildly popular ketogenic diet. As a result, Solo becomes swole once more, and we actually witness an intense training session with the former bad boy repeating “My body is my Jedi temple” over and over as his Force ghost grandfather spots him during a weight lifting session. We’re told even Luke is impressed.
Naturally, this doesn’t sit well with the Emperor, since Sheev preferred the slovenly Kylo if only for cracking wise at his expense. Making matters worse, our source claims Rey falls head over heels for the newly shredded Ben Solo, driving the Emperor mad with jealously. This all culminates in a two-on-one battle between the lovers and Sheev, with the fate of the galaxy hanging in the balance.
While the above may sound off the wall, it would line up perfectly with Lucasfilm’s recent push to have the Force be synonymous with a more fit lifestyle. The Fuel Your Force! campaign challenges people of all ages to find their “inner Force” through an active and healthy lifestyle.
Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy is thrilled at the prospect of Ben Solo and Rey inspiring fans to unlock their best selves through healthier choices and regular exercise.
What do you think of Kylo Ren’s upcoming transformation? Does it send a dangerous message by promoting fad diets? Is making weight gain/weight loss a plot point insensitive? Let us know in the comments or in social!
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