Bandmates Unimpressed With Lead Guitarist’s Midi-chlorian Count
NEW YORK CITY, NY — Jake Fishbone, 29, of Star Wars-themed ska-punk band Bossktones was eager to show off to the rest of the group that his Midi-chlorian count had doubled since their last rehearsal. The lead guitarist of the 7-piece band had brought in a homemade midi-chlorian reader made of a Nokia 5110 duct-taped to a Gillette women’s razor container from his mother’s bathroom.
Fishbone pricked his thumb with a guitar string and smeared the blood on the charging port of the phone then smashed a few keys to activate a MIDI ringtone of Cantina Band from A New Hope. When he turned the phone towards his bandmates, the number on the two-tone screen read 42,069 and they all groaned in unison.
“Jake thinks he can convince us that his Midi-chlorian count is four-twenty-sixty-nine? What a nerf herder. That’s higher than Anakin’s Midi-chlorian count and he’s the flippin’ Chosen One! If anything Josh’s count would be under 9,000 but that’s being generous.”
— Steve Ferris, trombone player for Bossktones.
When confronted by Bossktones front man Buck Irons, Fishbone stuck to his guns and reaffirmed that was his proper Midi-chlorian count. Bassist Ivy Bowler tried the counter out for herself and after the MIDI ringtone played it also displayed the number 42,069. At this point the band knew he was lying.
“Yeah I knew Jake was making a farce but I just went a long with it. I needed time to tune my drums anyway.”
— Denver W. Cherry, percussionist of Bossktones.
Fishbone knew he’d been caught so he made up the excuse that he left his amp at home and ran out of the rehearsal studio in a frenzy. Rhythm guitarist Mark Caddie took Fishbone’s place and plugged into the Orange amp Fishbone claimed was at home.
“The only thing faker than Jake’s Midi-chlorian count are his guitar skills. He can’t even play the solo from Beer by Reel Big Fish.”
— Mark Caddie, rhythm guitarist of Bossktones.
Following this rehearsal, the band voted to kick Fishbone out of the band. As a result, Bossktones were able to run through a few songs, including ska renditions of Imperial March, Jedi Steps, and Jedi Rocks, before calling it quits for the night.
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