Fake NewsSequel TrilogyThe Rise of Skywalker

Shareholders Confirm Episode IX Face Melting Ability

Shareholders Confirm Episode IX Face Melting Ability

According to FSW sources, a rough cut of Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker was screened for Disney shareholders early this week, and the experience resulted in literal meltdowns, with faces completely liquefied off heads. Disney CEO Bob Iger, who safely watched the investors watching the film from behind a fire-retardant, one-way mirror, said he’s absolutely thrilled by what he saw.


Star Trek may have coined the “Vulcan mind meld” but Star Wars has just upped the ante with the first-ever “mind melt.” 

“We’ve got a real game-changer on our hands here. The final shot in the Skywalker saga is going to make people an absolute mess, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. This is what George Lucas always wanted. To touch people on a deeper level and have them leave the theaters a completely different person than when they walked in.”

One of the shareholders prior to being hauled off in an ambulance.

After the screening, each of the newly faceless investors gave Iger a thumb’s up before being rushed to the emergency room. 

“This is how you make Star Wars the hottest property in the world again,” said Iger in between fits of maniacal laughter.

The confirmation of Episode IX’s ability to cause physical meltdowns marks the first time Star Wars hyperbole from writer-director Kevin Smith is proven factual.

Smith and daughter Harley Quinn Smith after having their minds melted.

At San Diego Comic-Con, the Jay and Silent Bob Reboot filmmaker claimed the final shot of The Rise Of Skywalker would “melt your mind.” Understatement of the year! And from Kevin Smith, no less! Will wonders ever cease?!


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Willybobo

Hailing from the fictional planet of Yarvin IV, which is populated by bumblebee people, is Willybobo. As the Editor-in-chief of FSW, he strives to make the Star Wars fan community a better place for nerds and geeks everywhere. Willybobo was a very active member of the Cantina Star Wars fan forum so you may recognize him from there. He lives with an urn carrying the ashes of his former master, and spends all day asking the mighty Sheev for advice.

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