Fake Kathleen Kennedy Charged With Ruining Star Wars
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a press conference held earlier today, Lucasfilm President Kathleen Kennedy shared a painful revelation with far-reaching implications for the Star Wars universe.
“For the last seven years, I have not been myself. A notorious scam artist has been impersonating me, making terrible decisions at the helm of Lucasfilm, running the Star Wars franchise into the ground. But I’m happy to report, this criminal has finally been apprehended by law enforcement. So I can begin to make things right again. To every Star Wars fan out there, and especially to my husband Frank, I sincerely apologize for the bizarre behavior and erratic decisions made by this doppelganger,” said a tearful Kennedy.
According to international authorities, the “Con Queen of Hollywood” — a woman who looks identical to Kennedy — targeted the legendary film producer shortly after she was named head of Lucasfilm. The con artist used her physical likeness to dupe Kennedy’s inner circle and begin making important decisions for the studio.
Kennedy represented more than just monetary gain for the Con Queen. Whereas in the past, the notorious criminal quickly deposited cash and financial assets from victims into her accounts, this time the grift was personal. The con queen was hellbent on ruining the beloved Star Wars film franchise, and no one seems to know why.
“She injected identity politics into everything. She hired and fired directors willy-nilly. She made Galaxy’s Edge about a planet no one’s ever heard of. Hell, she even paired my blazers with Star Wars t-shirts. I would never do any of those things,” said Kennedy.
Insiders estimate the “Con Queen of Hollywood” may have cost Disney upwards of $2,000,000,000 in lost revenue. This doesn’t factor in the loss of countless core fans who have sworn off Star Wars after being made the enemy by the fake Kennedy.
It’s not all bad news, though, since the real Kennedy promises to retcon every costly mistake made by her doppelganger, starting with Rian Johnson, whose involvement in future Lucasfilm projects has already been minimized.
Needless to say, Kennedy is relieved to have finally brought her fake self to justice. Believe it or not, the scam artist (whose name was not released by authorities) has impersonated a who’s who of Hollywood royalty, including Amy Pascal, Lesli Linka Glatter, and Deborah Snyder.
Next up for the Con Queen of Hollywood: impersonating a prison inmate.
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