THEORY: Who Is Palpatine’s New Apprentice?
With the return of Palpatine in Episode IX, will the cackling old Emperor still abide by the Sith’s Rule of Two? If so, who would or could be his apprentice? After the jump we will look at some potential candidates that we think could be Sheev’s right-hand-man or woman!
After a night of brainstorming while drinking blue Kool-Aid mixed with warm gin and eating stale Doritos, the FSW team of interns and Russian Trolls came to these possibilities:
Kylo Ren
The obvious choice we all agreed. The artist formerly known as Ben Solo would be a good fit as a Dark Lord of the Sith. However, the leader of the Knights of Ren throws such HUGE temper tantrums, that most eight-year-olds would be embarrassed! We figured Ol’ Palps would pass.
Rey
After passing around a bowl of Poppin’ Jalapeño Doritos and that awesome fan-edit of Sith Daisy Ridley with the double-bladed saber, this became Teeb’s top choice. How awesome would that be to see Rey go full dark side? Although, come to think of it: she may be too sweet and innocent looking; plus Disney wouldn’t ruin the fantasy of little girls across the globe. As a result, she was crossed off the list.
Finn
Nacho Cheese Doritos were the flavor of choice to contemplate the former Stormtrooper’s fate as a Sith. There’s plenty of theories going around about Finn. One says he’s a sleeper agent in the Resistance planted by Hux, others say he’s Force sensitive by feeling the deaths of those on Hosnian Prime a la Obi-Wan Kenobi in A New Hope. But long story short, Finn chickened out when told to pull the trigger on the Jakku villagers. Sheev doesn’t want a coward as his apprentice! Next!
Rose Tico
We ran out of real Doritos and had to switch to bland generic gas station brand which reminded us of Rose. It would be a heck of a ruse for Rose to be the Sith apprentice culprit. She hates the First Order with every fiber of her being, which could be overreacting to convince the Resistance she’s on board with them. She seemed to know way too much about their Hyperspace tracking system. But I can’t believe she’s Sith material with that hairdo of hers. Space bangs?! NOPE! She gone.
After exhausting every other viable option for Sheev’s new Sith underling, we finally came to a conclusion on who would be best suited for this position. It was right under our noses the whole time. We really think we cracked the case on this one so possible SPOILERS ahead!
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Jar Jar Binks
The Darth Jar Jar theory is nothing new; you can read it in full HERE. As silly as it may seem, it really does make the most sense if you really think about it. He can easily jump twenty feet in the air, has eerie yellow eyes, waves his hands around all the time, and the list goes on! We all agree Jar Jar Binks is Emperor Palpatine’s new yet old Sith apprentice. Heck, even George Lucas said Jar Jar was the key to everything! If you don’t believe this then you’re a fake Star Wars fan. GET WOKE!
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–Darth Ekim
