Flat Earthers Deny Roundness Of Rian Johnson’s Head
Bad news for Rian Johnson haters: the Flat Earth Society is coming to the director’s aid, refuting claims that his head is round. According to Jimmy Thompson, head of the Flat Earth Society, Johnson’s head is actually a disc.
“On the surface it certainly looks spherical, but there is no way to get all the way around Rian’s head without falling into his ears or neck. Therefore we believe it is not round but actually more disc-like.”
–Jimmy Thompson, Head of the Flat Earth Society
Despite satellite photos clearly showing Johnson’s head as a round object filled with rocks, Thompson and other flat earthers believe it’s all part of a large-scale conspiracy that became popular shortly after the release of The Last Jedi.
“Rian ‘Roundhead’ Johnson is nonsense fabricated by the Fandom Menace and other toxic elements of Star Wars fandom. They hated Johnson’s movie so much, they gave him all kinds of nicknames… but ‘Roundhead’ was the most damaging, because scientifically speaking, it’s just not possible,” added Thompson. For over two years now, Johnson has indeed been ridiculed on a daily basis, and called almost every name in the book. However, it was the nickname “Roundhead” as coined by famed comic book artist Ethan Van Sciver that truly stuck and made Johnson the butt of hundreds of jokes—something the flat earthers can relate to. “We’ve faced mocked since our inception, so we’re more than happy to set the record straight and save Rian from these unfounded personal attacks.”
According to the flat earthers, the “Zetetic Method” should be enough to convert any non-believers to their way of thinking in regards to Johnson’s head.
“Broadly speaking, the method places a lot of emphasis on reconciling empiricism and rationalism, and making logical deductions based on empirical data rather than tweets,” said Terry Williams, Flat Earth Society’s vice president. In other words, the perception of Rian’s head being more flat than round leads to the deduction that it must actually be flat. “Just look at the top of his head… there’s no question it’s flat.”
The Flat Earth Society is so committed to disproving the theory that Johnson’s head is round, they’re launching a sister society later this year. The Flat Rian Society plans to battle Star Wars trolls with science and facts about Johnson’s head.
Celebrity flat earther and former NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal is very excited about the future. “I’m gonna dunk on anyone who calls him Roundhead Johnson, plain and simple.”
Kelly Simmons, a Harvard psychologist who specializes in conspiracy theories, believes everyone involved in this bizarre turn of events has their tongue firmly in cheek.
“The question of belief and sincerity is one that comes up a lot. If I had to guess, I would say that the Flat Earth Society use their beliefs as kind of epistemological exercise, whether as a critique of the scientific method and trolls or as a kind of ‘solipsism for beginners.’ That being said, I know many members personally, and I am fully convinced of their belief that both the earth and Rian Johnson’s head are flat.”
–Kelly Simmons
Sincere or not, Johnson cautions against letting the Roundhead Rian Johnson theory go unchecked. “The only tool we have to battle misinformation is to try and overwhelm it with better information.”
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