Rise Of Skywalker Will Introduce Body-Positive Lightsabers

In response to claims by the Working Egalitarian and Realistic Dong World Youth Network (WERDWYN) that Star Wars lightsabers lack diversity, Lucasfilm plans to debut a variety of new laser swords in The Rise Of Skywalker.

Though a final cut of film has yet to be completed, early reports suggest Rey, Kylo, Finn and a few other characters will be whipping out lightsabers of varying lengths and girths. We’ve heard there are even a few of bent stature in the works, all in an effort to provide greater representation beyond the traditional straight edge phallic symbols we’ve come to expect from Star Wars.

Admitting the movie studio’s long history of insensitivity toward those without “mainstream” reproductive organs, a spokesperson for Lucasfilm stated, “We look forward to celebrating the diversity found in the galaxy far, far away.” 

In a sign of support, Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy was spotted at a Los Angeles Starbucks this past weekend sporting an “All sabers are beautiful” T-shirt. 

The introduction of body-positive lightsabers marks the latest milestone in a series of successful campaigns for the body dysmorphic disorder activist group. Lucasfilm joins the ranks of Oscar Meyer, Subway and Federal Flagpoles who have all made various alterations to their products after pressure was placed on them by WERDWYN. 

Not everyone is satisfied though, namely Old Limp and Debilitated Jedi Neurotic Knights (OLDJNK), which represents senior citizen Star Wars fans. One protestor hobbling outside of Skywalker Ranch told FakingStarWars, “Let us remind Lucasfilm that those of us who saw the first film as adults in 1977 have been ravaged by the passage of time! When will we see some malfunctioning lightsabers? Ones with spots or wrinkles perhaps?” 

While things currently look bleak for the older set, Lucasfilm plans on addressing claims of ageism in its film adaption of the Knights Of The Old Republic videogame.

As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for all the finest Star Wars comedy, parody, and satire in the galaxy. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook and subscribe to our Newsletter and Podcasts for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away. Also, consider supporting us on Patreon… for as little as a buck a month, you can help us fake harder, better, faster, stronger.

—DJ Jawa Script