Confirmed: Kathleen Kennedy is a Sith Lord
A former Lucasfilm employee, who wishes to remain anonymous to preserve her safety, reports to FakingStarWars that she has first-hand evidence that company president Kathleen Kennedy has embraced the dark side.
The following is a direct transcript of a phone call with our nervous source. It’s quite disturbing, so proceed with caution.
Sometime a few months ago I snuck off to an empty office to get in a quick nap. I choose the room because no one is supposed to go in there. We keep it empty so whenever George Lucas visits Disney Studios and starts calling employees degrading words in Huttese, we have a place to put him in time-out.
Anyway, I woke up from my nap in the carbonite bunk beds in there and the walls were flickering! On top of that I heard these creepy whispers! I look over and in a closet I see Mon Kennedy — Mon is Kathleen Kennedy’s preferred prefix/pronoun — kneeling down in front of a hologram of a what looked like Emperor Palpatine! What was even stranger was that he was presenting a Power Point Presentation to Mon!
I couldn’t see all of the bullet points, but I did see Rian Johnson’s name in boldface, underlined and book-ended with asterisks. Also, there was one slide that had a bunch of lines drawn between The Rise of Skywalker and ‘The final season of Lost.’
It was difficult to hear what they were saying, but I did catch the Emperor call Mon ‘Darth Kaykay’ and commanded her to, ‘Continue destroying Star Wars, my faithful servant,.’
At first I thought I was hallucinating because we have all these cases of Green Milk energy drinks laying around that the FDA rejected and we Ugnaughts, that’s what Mon prefers to call us, dip into them whenever we need a little pick me up… or want to forget we work for Mon Kennedy. I’m not going to lie to you, they’re pretty fermented at this point.
So I decided to hide in the office another time, green milk-free, just to make sure and wouldn’t you know it: Mon Kennedy took a 3-way holo-call from Palpatine and J.J. Abrams! Again, I couldn’t hear everything they were whispering about but I clearly heard Sheev at one point say, ‘And make Chewbacca identify…as a woman…with alopecia.’
I about laughed it up as hard as a fuzz ball from my hiding place, in the guts of a life-sized plush Tauntaun, when Mon Kennedy replied, ‘I’m sorry my lord- is alopecia is a Star Wars thing? You know I haven’t had time to read all the comics.’
‘IT’S A DISEASE, YOU DUMB LASER BRAIN!’ the Emperor groused at her. ‘It makes you as bald as that delightfully ridiculous Snoke J.J. here cooked up!’
And with that Palpatine and Abrams gave each other holo-high fives and signed out! Let me tell you, Mon was as furious as a menstruating rancor! But after screaming into a porg emotional-support pillow, Darth Kaykay started rocking and chanting to herself like Chirrut Îmwe, ‘The Sith is patriarchy, the Force is female. The Sith is patriarchy, the force is Female…’
The whistle blower also claims the deaths of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker in the films were a direct result of their respective actors questioning the judgement of Mon Kennedy. After dropping major bombshells about the inner workings of Lucasfilm, the unnamed employee has gone into hiding,
“No saber-in-the guts or Force ghost for me, thank you very much!” the Ugnaught assured FakingStarWars.
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