Top 10 Scenes From The Episode IX Trailer That Won’t Be In The Film

JJ Abrams is up to his old tricks again. The Rise of Skywalker director, best known for lens flares and his “Mystery Box” approach to storytelling, revealed to FSW that the last trailer for Episode IX contains several scenes that will probably not be in the final film. According to Abrams, since the film is currently being edited, he really can’t say what will or won’t make it onscreen come December. 

“I haven’t been home for months, and I’m flying by the seat of my pants. But the film should come together any minute now,” said Abrams via Skype.

The filmmaker went on to detail the trailer scenes he thinks are most likely to remain on the cutting room floor, due to finicky Chinese focus groups who are dictating everything from the music to the ending of the film.

10. Leia Hugging Rey

“The Chinese are not big on touch, and CG Leia is gripping Rey’s head like she’s going to explode a melon… tested very poorly. My son Henry suggested replacing the hug with a Fortnite dance and fist bump instead.” 

9. Rey and Kylo Destroying Darth Vader’s Helmet

“The scale is still off. Honestly, it looks like they’re slapping Dark Helmet from Spaceballs. I’m going to have them change it so Reylo kill Lando instead. The fans will love that.”

8. Orbak Cavalry Scene

“I may be a little Jew from New York, but I love me some space horses… but Kathy tells me PETA says they look too much like horses with masks on. I’m going to replace them with hoverboards in post.” 

7. The Millennium Falcon Leading a Million Ships into Battle

“We needed something to suggest space battle, so I told them to literally throw as many ships into the frame as physically possible. I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do with that.”

6. Wet Kylo Ren Without a Helmet On

“The hair… it’s just not working for me right now. Unless we can CG some more bounce to it like he had in The Force Awakens, I may have to keep Adam under a bucket for most of the film.”

5. Iceberg, Straight Ahead!

“I’m struggling with this one. We added it because the Chinese audience loves Titanic, but nothing John Williams is throwing at it is feeling very Celine… and that’s a f—-ing problem.”

4. C-3PO Wishing His Friends Goodbye

“No one is buying this scene at all. For one, Threepio doesn’t know these people very well, and for two, no one — and I mean no one — is friends with goldenrod, onscreen or off. Honestly Threepio’s only friend is Anthony Daniels and that’s only because they need each other to earn a living.” 

3. Rey Fighting Kylo Aboard Death Star Wreckage

“Haha. This one’s my favorite long con. I’ve been trolling people with Death Star stuff for months… when none of it will be in the movie. C’mon… I would never insult my audience like that. Both Death Stars were obliterated… how could there be any wreckage. Haha. I can’t believe how gullible some fans are.” 

2. Palpatine Being Carried By a Giant Mechanized Thanos Arm

“It’s reminding people too much of Darth Maul’s spider legs… so I might just put him in a wheelchair like Professor X and call it a day.”

1. Pregnant Rose Tico With Dirt on Her Face

“The Chinese test audience hates her, which is good, because now I have an excuse to get rid of Rian Johnson’s crush once and for all. I might just have her film all her scenes again in a mocap suit, then replace her with Klaud, the alien based on my nose in profile. Can you believe it — my friggin’ nose is testing better than Rose!” 

This wouldn’t be the first time Abrams baits audiences with trailer scenes that aren’t reflective of the finished product. Both his Star Trek reboot and The Force Awakens received trailers filled with sequences that would never make it to their respective films. At least this time, Abrams was kind enough to give FSW readers a head’s up. Thanks, JJ! Call home when you can!

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