Kylo Ren Explains St. Valentine’s Day

MEMO
FR: SLOTFO
TO: ALL STAFF
RE: UPCOMING “ROMANTIC” HOLIDAYS
The First Order is a workplace that fully supports and embraces all manner of diversity (except diversity of thought, of course – if you’re not tyrannical and evil, you’re not one of us). We celebrate the broad and dynamic cultural traditions each of you brings, and that includes diversity of preferences and orientation.

With so many new cultures joining the First Order lately, I have come to learn that a number of our recent additions have been confused about why humans celebrate two romantic holidays just one month apart. This memo seeks to explain the tradition behind each of these two unique days.

Please understand that, in explaining these traditions, neither I nor the Order are holding out these traditions to be in anyway superior or “correct.” We merely wish to inform, and management eagerly awaits similar explanation from any employee who wishes to share their own culture’s practices and traditions. A diverse workplace is a happy workplace.

ST. VALENTINE’S DAY
Celebrated on 14-Kelona, the traditional lover’s holiday is named for Stai’ipo Valentine, the legendary excommunicated Jedi Master-turned-smuggler. Valentine is said to have smuggled young, male suitors into the homes of their sweethearts, under the very noses of the beloved’s often vehemently and violently objecting parents. Valentine’s methods included hiding the smuggled paramours in large displays of foliage or inside elaborate confectionery preparations, hence the traditional gift of candy and flowers from the male to the female. (This was long before the now-common practice of carbon freezing, but the rumor that Valentine, on more than one occasion, attempted to freeze-dry and revive a male suitor – with less than ideal results – during such a smuggling operation is, in all likelihood, false.)