Fake NewsSequel TrilogyThe Rise of Skywalker

Rey Skywalker Practicing Self-Quarantine on Tatooine

LARS HOMESTEAD, TATOOINE — After the defeat of the First Order and Sith fleet during the Battle of Exegol, Resistance fighter Rey Skywalker is hunkering down like the rest of the galaxy due to the COVID-19 virus. FSW was able to set up a Zoom holo-call with the last Jedi to hear what advice she offers for self-quarantining.


“Well, it’s a lot like my life on Jakku except I have an actual house now,” said Rey while enjoying a glass of blue milk. “But I earned quite a paycheck after the war finished, so I was able to stock up on toilet paper and cleaning supplies before it all went to hell.”

“The best advice for social distancing is picking up Animal Crossing New Horizons on Nintendo Switch. My island, which I named Ahch-To, is blossoming nicely and Finn, Poe, and Klaud have all visited! I’ve already put 300 hours into the game but Tom Nook left a bad taste in my mouth. He reminded me a lot of Unkar Plut.”

“Also luckily for me, Door Dash is delivering all the way out here so I’ve supported many local restaurants including Chalmun’s Spaceport Cantina, they have the best wood-fired pizza in Mos Eisley.”

“The only real downside is that Sandpeople activity has hit an all-time high. They all wear face masks so they can’t catch the virus. I’ve had to go out to stop them from plundering Toshe Station over in Anchorhead a couple times; they were raiding the power converters.”


So it seems things are going quite well for Rey as she self isolates. What have you been doing since galaxy-wide quarantine began? Sound off in the comments or let us know on Twitter or our Discord channel.

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Link Voximilian

The artist known as Link Voximilian leads the parody department of FSW as the Head of Creative Content. He is an avid fan of Star Wars, Marvel, and Nintendo, a skilled musician, and an aspiring sci-fi/fantasy author. Aside from writing for the site, Link also dabbles in graphic design using MS Paint to create low-effort t-shirt designs. He currently resides in a double-wide, in the middle of nowhere on Corellia, building Lego sculptures, repairing guitars, and collecting way too many dark helmets and masks.

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